Mr. Bitter

Hey kids, we’re starting a new game today: Porn? Or Not Porn? An unnamed friend of mine had a couple of Facebook exchanges with an unnamed actor. She made me check out his IMDB page (which I will not be linking, on the off chance he could figure out the source because he clearly would be the type that would Google himself). And prominent there is a link to a movie he was in: “Harry Putter and the Chamber Pot of Secrets.”

“Oh my god, he’s in porn,” I exclaimed. “No,” screamed my friend. I mean, c’mon, look at the title - the slightly changed from a mainstream movie, a chamber pot? I mean not only should this be porn, it should be scatological porn.

I finally deigned to click on a video link and … alas, it doesn’t appear to be porn. I can’t say for certain, because I only watched the first five minutes. Most porn I’ve see has nekkid people within two minutes.

But what a waste of a good porn title. Also, I went through this guy’s IMDB page and it’s filled with title that could be porn. “Infidelicacy.” “California Tango.” “Crooked Tongue.” “In Search of Lovecraft.” “The Pillow Case.” “Voyeur.” “Salivate.” Plus, he played the “Horny White Guy” in “Rice Cracker.”

Every one of those could be porn. In fact, I wish every one of them was porn. Anyway, I’m instituting a new game. Periodically, I will put a real title up on the blog. It will either be Porn. Or Not Porn. You’ll get to decide.

Here’s our first one:

“Oriental Jade”

I’ve been running into Giblets on the street quite a bit lately. Giblets used to hang out at Nocs, playing backgammon late at night. He can be a goober, but he’s a good kid at heart. Anyway, he lives around the corner from me and invited me to a street barbecue this afternoon.

Unfortunately, I had just eaten at ACME Burgerhaus, so I wasn’t hungry. But I wandered over to hang out. Basically, it’s an old fashioned in the hood street barbecue in front of the barber shop. One dude showed up on his bike and offered to sell it to Giblets. Another dude encouraged Giblets to buy the bike, then told him he was paying too much, then insisted he should get a cut of the money he supposedly saved Giblets. This dude was definitely street. He was mock (or maybe not so mock) threatening to not know anything if Giblets’ bike was ever stolen unless he got his cut.

Anyway, that’s my neighborhood, and that’s the way I like it.

My favorite moment - in midsentence, the dude trying to get a cut suddenly stops and asks a passing woman for one of her beers. She gives him one. It’s a Racer 5. When one of the other dudes asked him what kind of beer he had, he said, “Import.” Yeah, an import from Humboldt or whatever.