Mr. Bitter

Amanda and Jen are in Australia and going to meet Mark’s mom. Jen brought a gift. Amanda is jealous because she didn’t think to bring one. By the way, Amanda has fake boobs. I wonder if that will play into the decision.

Mark says he’s only brought four girls to the house to meet his mother. Mark’s sister is a bit big boned, as they say. I think, perhaps, he shouldn’t be so impressed with women’s bodies. I’m willing to bet he’ll put on some weight in a few years.

Amanda: My mother doesn’t cook so much.

Mark’s mom: How will you learn to cook if your mother doesn’t cook.

Amanda is totally failing the meet the family test. She can’t help with the cooking, she didn’t bring a gift, and barely spoke. She claims she’s very quiet until she gets to know people better. Hmm, that doesn’t sound like a hockey team dancer. Or like someone who would go on a reality show.

Mom likes Amanda. Sis likes Jen. Mark is pouting.

Aw. Mark says Jen opened his eyes and his heart to the fact that age doesn’t matter in love.

Ooh. A split screen with Mark and Jen on their date and Amanda walking around alone. Jen and Mark are in a gondola on the river and she’s whispering the most times in a row she’s had sex. Now they’re at an aquarium for dinner under the sharks. Jen says that Mark has given her hope again for love. Some pillows are set up for them to mess around on. I wonder if this aquarium is funded by taxpayers? Your tax dollars at work - providing nookie for reality show contestants.

Amanda says ever since she got to Melbourne (all two days), she’s wanted to see a kangaroo. And Mark is taking her to a wildlife preserve. How perfect. It’s like the production assistants never asked her what she wanted to see and passed it on to their bosses.

I’m pretty sure Amanda takes collagen injections in her lips, too.

Hey, it just hit me, what if the hockey team Amanda dances for is the Los Angeles Kings, formerly owned by Dr. Jerry Buss, Jen’s boss? Wouldn’t that be ironic? Donchathink?

The date continues - dinner at a Japanese restaurant then up to a hotel room. Close up of tongue kissing, then fade to black. Just like the Sporanos.

Now they’re forcing Jen and Amanda to sit on a park bench and talk.

Obviously this show has a bigger female audience. So they’re getting what they want now - lot’s of beefcake. Mark is getting dressed. Mark still doesn’t have a shirt on. Mark has a tattoo on his shoulder. That makes him dangerous as well as dreamy.

Mark’s doing the deed. They’ve edited it up so that it’s going back and forth between the two talks. They even fucked with him saying, “I’m sorry, I just don’t think it’s going to work out,” so you couldn’t tell who it was.

It was Jen. He’s picked the 25-year old hockey team dancer. Jen says she knows she would have been picked if she was younger. Amanda and Mark are sailing off into the sunset.

So, what have we learned from this? Uh, nothing. It’s TV, dude.

Dear God, here we are again. In an hour, we’ll be down to two.

The show opened with a video clip that Jayanna sent after being eliminated to the other girls, ripping Amanda for backstabbing.

Maria and Amanda are going salsa dancing with Mark. Oh, and they keep showing cute shots of him playing with his puppy. I hear he got it at Bad Newz Kennelz.

The salsa club is closed to the public. Mark, Maria and Amanda walk in on two instructors dancing together and poor Marky is intimidated. The girls are dressed in salsa costumes. Amanda was given a bikini with fringes. Maria got an actual salsa dancer’s dress.

The club is open now and Maria is basically giving Mark a lapdance on the floor. She’d better. Amanda is a hockey team dancer.

That would be the champagne dance. Amanda’s working it with Mark trying to peek at her ass in the mirrors.

Afterwards, Maria pulled a buzzkill by asking Mark what he would tell her and Amanda if this was their last date together. Uh, what???

Megan’s next, going to “high tea.” This is the 21-year old. She doesn’t know what high tea is. In the limo, she doesn’t know what a partition is. At tea, she’s completely confused about what to do.

Afterwards, she told the camera she wanted to tell him how much she liked him but didn’t because she was trying to figure out which fork to use. “I’m a retard.” We weren’t going to say anything, honey.

Jen, the 48-year old who fucks/fucked Jerry Buss, is getting picked up in a horse-drawn carriage. She was also told to bring a swimsuit. The yung’uns are trying to figure out what the date will be. Amanda is really jealous. I think she just realized that Jen’s going to be nailing Mark tonight.

The carriage is a full-on Cindarella-style thing that lights up. They’re taking it around downtown L.A., past the new concert hall, etc. Jen said it was the most romantic date she’s ever been on. They came back to the building on Wilshire and went swimming on the rooftop pool. They’re sucking face and she’s asking him if he has any fantasies. At 2:08 a.m., she massaged him. NBC made sure to imply hand job/blow job.

Jen is totally rubbing it in, so to speak, to the yung’uns. “That’s going to look scandalous on TV.” “They probably can’t even use half of what happened.” Amanda took the bait. She whined to the camera that her heart is breaking or some such nonsense. What, you thought you were the only woman to think, “Hey, if I want to win this contest, I need to put out!” How do you think you got your job as a hockey team dancer?

And by the way, I have a lot of questions about hockey team dancing. First, why won’t they tell us which team? They told us Jen works for the Los Angeles Lakers owner. Did she not have permission to be on the show? I think the team will find out.

Second, do they dance on the ice? In skates? I sure hope so. That would be sooo much more interesting.

They’re having a series of one-on-one meetings. Mark is asking each woman what she’s feeling. Amanda told Mark that she got the report of the massages off camera. This is brilliant strategy. Keep playing the wounded chick but undermine the others by tattling on their tattling.

Maria finally is eliminating herself. Mark answers by telling her that she would have stayed.

Noooooo! They showed Mark kind of rubbing his head in anguish. And then the puppy turning its head while looking at him. Awwwww!

That’s must see TV!

He’s telling the final three to pack their bags because they are going to Australia. To meet the family. Megan is terrified to fly. This can only mean more alcohol. The way they edited everything, I think Megan was gone before Maria quit.

Megan: “Do we get a private jet? Those crash more than regular planes do!” This is like how Kari used to talk about plane crashes when we were sitting in the plane waiting for takeoff. It’s 9:53 on my clock. So clearly Megan is going to puss out before takeoff.

Hey! They not only allowed cameras into the boarding area but past the the boarding gate. What the fuck? Couldn’t al Quaeda  infiltrate NBC just as easily as anything else? I’m sorry but the exception to the security rules shouldn’t be a cheesy reality show.

By the way, Megan did wuss out. So it’s down to Amanda and Jen. The promo line is, “If you think you know who he’s going to pick, think again.”

Come in! Hi Mark! We missed you!

I just learned last week that the host, also named Mark, is Kelly Ripa’s husbin! He’s Mark Consuelos, a soap opera actor. I wonder if she calls him Regis while they fuck.

Anyway, it’s a group camping outing this week. Obviously, the women are all going to get bitchy about being out in the wild. Can you say contrived?

There’s wine at the campsite. Things are looking up. Philippousis is drunkenly lighting a match. This could be how the Lake Tahoe fire started.

Oh wait, one woman will be left behind. As in Left Behind? The Christian movie?

Mark and Maria sitting in a tree. K-I-S-S-I-N-G. And now Jen is kissing him in a tent.

There’s an empty tequila bottle on the picnic blanket. Ayanna, in truth or dare, ran with her ass out. Now Mark has done the same.

Truth is truth! Stop laughing at women, Jen!

That was Maria after she cuddled up with Mark and everybody else laughed at her because Maria said something about how when Mark is honest with her, it turns her on as her truth in Truth or Dare.

I don’t have any comment here. Oh wait, yes I do. God bless drunk psycho chicks!!!

Meantime, the A’s lead the Angels in Anaheim, 11-5. Aren’t these the two best pitching staffs in the American League?

Mark ran off to get Jen. While carrying the bottle of wine. The four women are in a full-on screamfest.

Jen came back and apologized. Now they’re processing. Mark said that he can’t take that if Maria is that way all the time. Now he’s on a walk with Megan, the 21-year old. She’s pushing to sleep in his tent. Now they’re straddled up in a tree. Is that the same tree he kissed Maria in? Mark didn’t make the wine this time, instead settling for a lamp.

They got back, and Mark told Megan she’s cut off. He doesn’t think she can handle her liquor.

Hey kids, it’s Jayanna’s turn. Amanda is talking with Maria, having just realized that she’s falling for someone who is making out with five women, one at a time. “It’s not special!”

Uh, no honey. That’s the point of the game. Good luck with The Surreal Life next year.

Mark took Jayanna to a place in the woods with lights and a disco ball and a hammock. And more alcohol.

Amanda is tired of waiting and is walking off to try and find them. She failed and is now hiding in his tent waiting for him. Jayanna made a play to spend the night in Mark’s tent, but he turned her down. To find Amanda.

And he’s cuddling up with her. And cut to commercial.

I think the way this show should end is with Mark Philippoussis rejecting all the women and going home with Mark Consuelos for a hot foursome with Kelly and Regis.

It’s morning, and Amanda is still in Mark’s tent. Mark’s cooking breakfast and Maria is asking him if there were shenanigans. She sounds like a mortgage loan officer.

Amanda just admitted she spent the night in Mark’s tent. Correct that. She rubbed it in the other’s faces. Maria is not happy about the shenanigans.

The elimination round is being done via walks. Jen’s in. “Get your bag and get in the RV.” There’s a line. It’s not really an RV, by the way. It’s a tour bus. Amanda’s in too, probably because she spent the night in the tent. Maria is next. “What’s amazing about you is you are who you are.” She’s in as well. “I will see you in the RV.”

Megan joked on her way up the path, “I hope I don’t fall over.” Mark: “I’m surprised you haven’t fallen over already.” “You had more drinks than anybody.”

So Jayanna is done. Megan to Jayanna: “I guess he wants to see you but he didn’t say.” Ouch.

Jayanna’s out because Amanda told him Jayanna had questioned Amanda’s feelings for Mark. He doesn’t like the games. Mark told her he wanted her on the RV but left her in the woods without even a hug. Alright, then.

Here Cougar, Cougar, Cougar! Here Cougar, Cougar, Cougar!

I neglected to blog last week but the Age of Love is on again so here we go!

The first 20 minutes was a group date at the beach for four of the women. Mary, 24, felt ignored. Now, it’s Jayanna, 39, and Amanda, 25, on a Moroccan movie date. Mark went off to have a drink with Jayanna before the movie, and hung out with Amanda after, under the covers.

Highlight of Mark’s drink with Jayanna:

Mark - You look glamorous! Are you wearing underwear?

Jayanna - No!

Afterwards, they showed a close up of Mark and Amanda tongue kissing.

This is why the world hates us!

Now, Jen is wearing leathers for a motorcycle date. The kittens are all pouting about it while the Cougars are telling her she looks hot. Aww, poor kittens.

A reminder - Jen is an assistant to the Lakers owner. Which pretty much means she’s done coke with Jerry Buss.

Oh they are so going at it on the bike while looking out over LA from Mulholland Drive.

Meantime, Mary, 24, is crying about everything. She’s aiming for biggest psycho chick honors.

Jen is now wiping Mark’s ass in pool. And they’re going at it in a booth in the bar. He’d so be taking her home. Jen totally rubbed the date in the faces of the Kittens.

Now, it’s the silly elimination round. I wonder if they do multiple takes of the women stepping up on their platforms.

Jen’s staying (no brainer) and Meagan, the 21-year old, too. Jayanna is in too. Amanda is pledging her feelings for Mark during her talk with Mark. She’s also showing off her fake boobs. Anyway, Mark asked her to stay.

Maria and Mary are having a moment. Maria claims she won’t stay. Mary’s in tears again. Mark and Maria are talking.

And commercial. With a camera pulling out. Do they make them stand there until after the commericals?

This week’s digression is political. Did you know the Bush administration is pushing to take even more discretion from judges in sentencing. And is demanding that all convicted felons serve the minimum?

This is the same president who said that Scooter Libby’s sentence was too harsh. That’s Scooter Libby’s federal mandatory minimum sentence. Bush’s message included a bunch of the arguments defense lawyers use is pleading for a lesser sentence.

So to sum up, all felons must serve the mandatory minimum. Except for administration officials who cover up administration wrongdoing.

And we’re back. Maria and Mark are still standing there. We are getting another zoom in camera shot.

Mark: “I really know who you are.”

Maria: “Who am I?”

And Maria in the postgame - “I feel like we’re in couples therapy and we’re not even a couple yet.”

Maria keeps turning to the other girls and asking for help.

And Maria caves. So Mary’s going home. To cry. She told Mark, “Good luck. You need it.”

Heh heh Mary said through her tears that the one thing that sickens her is that Jayanna and Jen are going to be there longer than her.

Ah, addiction. It’s so glorious. Age of Love is on and we’re blogging live.

Kelli (Cougar) and Amanda (Kitten) have each been selected to go on an “individual” date with Mark. But of course, neither was told about the other. They went to the restaurant in limos and NBC used the O.J. cam to show the limos. And the 24 split screen.

They put the girls at tables at separate parts of the restaurant. In sight of each other. Mark is going back and forth between them.

In case you can’t tell, this is one of the reasons that Osama is right about us.

They have a clock and are showing Mark running back and forth.

Amanda talking about pizza: I had some yesterday. Right before I had my chocolate cake and some ice cream.

Mark: (says nothing but his eyebrows wiggle like John Belushi)

Meantime, the remaining Cougars and Kittens are being told to devise awful dates for the other group.

Mark just told Kelli that he has never dated anybody older than him. He wants to end with Amanda but they have a clock that is running down. She kept talking and the alarm rang off.

By the way, Amanda, 25, is identified as a Hockey Team Dancer. Mark asked to kiss her as he walked her to her limo. Cheese alert. They kissed and Amanda is acting like a 15-year old.

Kitten room scene: “What’s a synonym for old?” “Decrepit?”

Meow!

(Commercial break tangent #1: How long has Michael Moore been a lesbian? No really, I didn’t know. But I saw his picture today and he looks just like one. Has he always been one? Shouldn’t there be a Dateline report on this?)

OK, supposedly, the Cougars and Kittens picked dates for the other group. Somehow the 40s picked a children’s playland, because that’s closer to the Kittens’ ages. And the 20s picked a senior citizen swimming class, because that’s closer to the Cougars ages. Uh huh, the producers had nothing to do with this.

Mark dissed Mary, 24, walking away from her in mid-sentence to play Duck Duck Goose.

Adelaide gets to ride home with Mark in the limo. Here comes another kiss, this time in the elevator. Boy, he gets around.

(Commercial break tangent #2: I think I have a crush on the cartoon insurance girl. What can I say, I love girls with pink hair.)

Mark (talking about the Cougars in their bikinis): Some of them have bodies that would have made those women in their 20s pissed off.

Maria, 42, got picked to ride back in the limo with Mark. But I’m not sure why. He pretended to jump her in the limo but then just kissed her on the cheek at the end. He’s clearly going to pick a 20-something because it’s clear he’s an idiot. He enjoys hanging out with the Cougars more, but he’s shallow.

Oh, wait, he’s a tennis player. Calling him shallow is redundant.

(Commercial break tangent #3: I’m making Rice A Roni (chicken!) during the show. I was going to make Hamburger Helper but I’m out of milk. I’m so white trash.)

The 48-year old (Jen) is an assistant to Jerry Buss. She’s got to be the pick.

He’s busting Adelaide for not putting out with her kiss. Which means he’s keeping Mary, the one he dissed. Hmm, manipulative editing anyone?

Maria claimed she was going to tell him she didn’t feel anything even if he asked her to stay (he was real bad when spending time with her, arms crossed, not looking at her, etc.). Now he’s asked her to stay and …

Commercial break!

She stayed. She read him the riot act that he needs to be present (just another reason he won’t choose a Cougar). And it’s Lynn who’s going. Here eyes welled up. And she’s going down the line kissing the other Cougars on the cheek. In the postgame, she said she her grandmother wants to live long enough to see her get married.

“I (sob) hope (choke) she gets her (sniff) dream.”

Next week, the women move in together. And more kisses.

The Cougars are limboing on roller skates tonight! Well, they are calling it limbo but they actually just were ducking under the bar. Weak.

The 48-year old is telling Mark Philippoussis about her 25-year old son. Mark is realizing that she’s old enough to be his mom (he’s 30).

Oh, and one of the Kittens just had a crying fit. Hmm, that wasn’t predictable.

Now for a quick sports update - the Giants bullpen just blew a 2-0 lead in the eighth inning after pulling Tim Lincecum, who had a shutout going. I always root for this to happen when a starter with a shutout is pulled. The baseball gods agree with me. Leave the starting pitcher in! I don’t care about the pitch count!

Back to the show. Philippoussis is inviting three of the kittens to his “bachelor pad” for a “date.” They will play Dance Dance Revolution. Unfortunately, the first girl can’t do the game. Silly Philippoussis! Everybody knows only drunk skanks can play that game. And only in a Marina bar.

Kitten #2 has just taken him into his room to tell her she likes him. Kittens #1 and #3 are extremely jealous.

Meanwhile, in the Cougars room, Kelli (40) is talking to the camera about having more emotion invested and how her heart has been broken too many times.

The Kittens are making menopause jokes. And more menopause jokes. Finally, the entire reason I’m watching this show. This is what sets it apart from other reality shows. I anticipate at least three minutes of menopause jokes every week.

By the way, Mark has a puppy.

Now they’re introducing the Kittens to the Cougars.

“How old are you?” “I’m 21.”

“Do you have a child?”

Host: “Jen, you’re 48. How does it feel to be dating somebody who is dating a 21-year old?”

We’re at the elimination point. They have Philippoussis on the roof of a building with the women, asking each one to step down one at a time to ask them to stay. With lot’s of faux sincerity. He also does the bait and switch, “I feel like you haven’t shown me yourself.

…

…

…

But I want to get to know you. Will you please stay?”

Could I have some extra cheese please?

They’re stretching the elimination process to 20 minutes including the commercial break. Lauren, 27, is the first to be eliminated. Mark finished the deed by asking, “Can I give you a hug?”

Lauren, in the postgame, “It’s OK, I’m in my 20s.”

Down to two Cougars - Angela, 40, and Jen, 48. Mark is taking a deep breath.

He picked Jen. Yea, baby, MILF action! He’s busting Angela now. “I’m really sorry, I just don’t think this will work out.”

Uh, Mark, none of these are going to work out.

Angela: “You know, I’m 40 years old. I’ve had my heart broken before. I just want to find that one (holds up one finger).”

That’s it for this week. Next week, they’re moving the Kittens and Cougars in together. Hopefully there will be lot’s of menopause jokes.