Mr. Bitter

First off, apologies for not getting this out sooner. I tried to sign onto the free Internet at the Austin airport while waiting for my flight on Sunday and couldn’t get on. Probably because 10,000 other assholes were logging on to write their own stupid blogs.

I started off at the Continental Club for the annual Mojo’s Mayhem show. Mojo Nixon has been hosting this for years and it’s always fun. The great Jon Dee Graham was already playing when I got there, this time with Michael Hardwick, who missed the Thursday night show. Hardwick is a “member” of the Fighting Cocks/Enemies of Progress/every other name Graham bestows on his backup band, a great guitarist and slide guitarist. The interplay between Graham and Hardwick is awesome. Also, during “October,” there’s a Mojo’s Mayhem tradition of women dancing on stage behind Graham - the first time I saw it was at my first Mojo’s Mayhem, when one of the bartenders jumped up during the song. This time, it was two women dressed as bees (?!?). Yes, this show has production values! The band also tore up, “Airplane,” “The Money Ran Out,” and finished with, “Rock And Roll In The Street,” which Graham called the theme song for South by Southwest.

An extra note on Graham - I made a half-assed joked about him being older and balder and grayer and fatter the other day. I saw him walking around with a can backstage (although he didn’t need it on stage). This bums me. I hope it’s nothing serious but he never comes out here on tour anyway, and I sensed maybe he won’t be again.

Next was The Mastersons, a four-piece country band from Brooklyn that’s signed to New West Records. The singers-are husband and wife and have a great interplay and the bass player is the sister of the female singer. The woman singer plays guitar and fiddle and the man singer plays lead guitar. Country is probably not the right word - they play rock and roll and it gets a little swampy at times, kind of like Dirty South-era Drive By Truckers. But the boy-girl harmonies on some of the songs are definitely country. They played, “Long Gone,” “Birds Fly South,” “One Red Door,” and, “Looks Like I’m Running Out Of Time.” The female singer had a green guitar and the rest of the group wore green for St. Patrick’s Day. I wonder if she only breaks out the guitar on St. Patrick’s Day.

Rick Broussard’s Two Hoots and A Holler were up next. Broussard is a tremendous singer-songwriter, at times like a 50s or 60s country star who could have played the Grand Ole Opry, at others, a rocking even punk kind of guy. The band members trade off solos and all have chops. Hardwick came up and played slide guitar for the set. Just a great performance. They played, “Blue Diamonds,” “Nothing At All,” the Clash’s “The Harder They Fall” (awesome!), “It’s A Hell-Raising Town,” “The Phone’s Not Ringin’, It’s Not Me Callin’,” and a Saturday night barndance version of Bob Dylan’s, “The Times They Are A Changin’.”

It was time to head back downtown, so I headed out to the streets. It was St. Patrick’s Day, and everybody was in bright green. Or almost everybody. A cocktail waitress at a bar asked me where my green was, and I told her, “I’m part Irish. I don’t need to wear green.” Seriously, have any of you seen me drink? My Irish credentials should not be questioned. Another thing I noticed was how a lot of college girls keep all their wristbands on for the week, including the paper ones you get for showing your I.D. at a bar. They’re like bangles. WTF?

Oh, and one college girl had a, “Kiss Me, I’m Polish,” t-shirt. That was pretty good.

My first evening showcase was the North By Northeast show at Club de Ville. In case you couldn’t guess, that’s all-Canadian bands. Woohoo! Also, I love Club de Ville. First up was Uncle Bad Touch from Montreal. First off, my friend Rob will be suing the band because the name is too similar to his band name, “Touch Grandpa.” Second, they play a lot of 70s style rock. They played, “Gypsy Woman,” and are a pretty solid power trio (As anyone who knows me knows, I love a good Canadian power trio. The world needs more Canadian power trios. When’s the Triumph reunion?).

Next up was The Evaporators, a costumed garage punk band from Vancouver. The singer wore a skin-tight Canadian speed skating suit and the other three had hockey-type jerseys each with a big maple leaf on the chest. The singer led the crowd in a chant of, “Mario Cuomo works at Domo,” to start, then ripped into the song of that name. Yikes. “Back In The Hole,” “I Hate Being Late (When I’m Early),” “Milkshake Murder,” “Your Instrument Does Not Affect Me,” and, “Addicted To Cheese.” And aren’t we all.

I was off to Treasure Island next to catch The Yuppie Pricks, one of my favorite Austin punk bands. They used to dress in country club gear and fire tennis balls into the crowd with rackets while singing about the joys of Young Republicanism. Very cool. Now, they’ve gone cowboy for some reason. I was a little bummed there weren’t firing tennis balls (because, of course, the crowd would fire them back), but that’s OK. The singer started off telling some rape jokes, then the band launched into, “Whiskey Rebels.” They played a song about Charlie Sheen (Duh! Winning!), “Prosperity In The U.S.A.” (to the tune of, “Anarchy In The U.K.”), then the singer disrobed into a skin-tight American flag suit (nice counter to The Evaporators) and sang their version of, “My Way.” Sweet.

I crossed back to Red Eyed Fly for the Waco Brothers, who were again playing with Paul Burch. Great party set once again. “We’re Too Sweet To Die,” “Red Brick Wall,” “Cannonball,” “Transfusion Blues,” “Great Chicago Fire” (title track on the new album with Burch), “Monterrey,” “I Fought The Law” (a staple of their set), “White Lightning,” and, “Big River” (closing with Johnny Cash is always in good taste).

Finally, I went to the Red 7 where We Were Promised Jetpacks was up. They’re an indie drony rock band from Edinburgh, Scotland, with a great, loud-quiet-loud way of playing songs with screaming and then quiet lyrics. The singer makes great use of backing off from the microphone while screaming as the music surges. It was a perfect close to the night.

Friday is the annual Bloodshot Records party at Yard Dogs on South Congress. This is one of my favorite parties every year. They have a bunch of free music, lot’s of cheap beer ($1 Lagunitas this year - yum!) and BBQ (not quite as good as past years).

I got there mid-party and the first artist up was Rosie Flores. She had her own one-drunk-man cheering section who screamed, “Rosie,” after every song. So, you know, she’s living the dream. Flores, known as the “Rockabilly Filly,” has been around for a while, playing rockabilly music and tearing up the guitar. On Friday, she had an ice blue Telecaster. Her singing sounds like what Maria McKee wished she sounded like during her Lone Justice days - a girly country voice with a bit of the wildcat in it. Flores has been working on a Janis Martin album for while and it should be out soon. Martin was another rockabilly princess who died shortly after recording the vocals for what was intended to be her comeback album. Anyway, Flores rocks. She played, “Country Boy,” and “Rock Bop,” and also did a duet with Anne McCue.

On next was J.C. Brooks and the Uptown Sound. Brooks is a young African-American singer with a sort-of mohawk who sings in an early 60s R/B style. The first song was a slow ballad, then the band got jumping. Under the tent in the backyard at Yard Dogs, it was like a revival. Brooks was asking the crowd to testify, and testify they did. They covered Wilco’s “I Am Trying To Break Your Heart.” Trust me, it didn’t sound like Tweedy at all. Another favorite was, “Catch Me.”

The Waco Brothers always close the Bloodshot party and it is always raucous. In fact, raucous is exactly the word to describe the Waco Brothers. Former Mekons singer/guitarist/raconteur Jon Langford formed the band after moving to Chicago. They just recorded an album with John Burch so Burch joined them on stage for most of Friday’s set. They played several songs off of the new album, then closed with, “Folsom Prison Blues,” and, “20th Century Boy.”

I took a dinner break, then went out to the Moody Theater to catch The Magnetic Fields. The Moody Theater is just a couple of years old and hosts the tapings of the TV show “Austin City Limits.” It’s downtown but a little outside of the main club area. I went in and the band was already into its set. They were singing, “The Horrible Party.” Good entrance song. They sang, “Smoke and Mirrors,” “Quick,” “Busby Berkeley Dreams,” “Book Of Love,” “Grand Canyon,” and, “It’s Only Time,” while I was there. Great moody lo-fi old-timey pop.

I left because I wanted to make sure I got into Antone’s for Glen Hansard. On stage when I got there was ZULU Winter, a band from England. They are very synthy - as in 80s synthy like the Fixx. They finished with “Never Leave,” which I gather is their single. They were fun, although I was a little surprised to hear that kind of synthesizer in a blues club with a chalk painting of Stevie Ray Vaughn behind the stage.

(By the way, did you tell my Stevie Ray Vaughn joke? Did people laugh? Are you popular now? Awesome!)

Hansard is the Irish singer-songwriter most famous for winning the Academy Award along with then-partner Marketa Irglova in 2007 for “Falling Slowly.” Hansard and Irglova were a couple and performed as the Swell Season. However, they broke up a year or two ago. Hansard also used to be in the group The Frames.

On Friday, he played a fantastic set. He opened alone on stage, singing, “Leave.” Then, he brought Jake Clemons (nephew of and replacement in the E Street Band for Clarence) and they performed, “Low Rising. A drummer and bassist then joined up for an anthemic cover of Springsteen’s “Drive All Night.” Clemons was ripping it up and the crowd was delirious. Then, after making a joke about how he was supposed to be promoting his own music, Hansard launched into Van Morrison’s, “To Be Born Again.”

Then, the band left the stage and Hansard noted that Saturday is St. Patrick’s Day. He suggested that we should bring the snakes back to Ireland, which sounds like a good idea. He then sang the old traditional, “The Parting Glass,” a cappella. It was absolutely gorgeous.

I walked over to Frank where Crooked Fingers from Athens was finishing up its set. Then, old San Francisco favorites Imperial Teen took the stage. I first saw them open up for Hole in 1994 when they were still called Star 69. My favorite Imperial Teen moment came at a show at Bottom of the Hill when my friend Scott, during the song, “Imperial Teen,” danced over to me and said, “This is their ‘Bad Company!’” Genius. Anyway, I wasn’t planning to stay long, but they still sound good. They played their new single, “No Matter What You Say.”

Next it was to Elysium for Japan Night. I always have to pop by this extravaganza and it was getting late. On stage was ZZZs from Kobe. They’re an all-girl three-piece, more metal than punk, with catchy riffs and good stage presence (the drummer came out from behind the kit on one song and worked the crowd for a while before going back to the kit to pick up the beat). They did a sludgy cover of, “I Love Rock and Roll,” and were just plain old fun.

I left the club and tried to find the club where Tom Morello was playing his “Occupy SXSW” show but it was not on the corner it was marked on the map. Bummer. It was pretty late, so I began walking back towards the bus stop.

One thing I haven’t mentioned yet is that this year there are lasers on a bunch of buildings here - like they’re trying to make it into the Las Vegas Experience, which in my opinion ruined downtown Las Vegas. It’s really bizarre. Also, there’s a stage that I’ve avoided to this point that is in front of what appears to be a giant Doritos vending machine. Like several stories high.

However, none of these things scare me as much as tomorrow does - St. Patrick’s Day falling on the Saturday that closes the festival. When this happened in 2007, it was a fucking zoo. The horror.

Here’s our update from Thursday at South by Southwest. Hope you enjoy it.

I started the day at the Continental Club, down on South Congress. I love the Continental Club. If I could, I would spend all of my time there (that screaming you hear is my liver). Their ad in the Austin Chronicle said Slobberbone would be playing a day show. One of the few things I love more than the Continental is Slobberbone. Loud and drunk and from Denton, Texas. What more do you need to know?

Well, the ad was mistaken. Slobberbone was not playing (they had a photo and everything in the weekly). But I did hear some good music. Ezra Furman played. He’s a singer-syngwriter, solo with an acoustic guitar with a scratchy, raspy voice. There were a lot of clowns in the back talking during his set, which bothered me. Why are you even in the club if you’re going to talk during the set? Anyway, check out Ezra.

Next up was Planet Casper, who play the club regularly. They have a guitarist-singer named David Grissom, who the housewive from Houston next to me told me is the greatest guitarist in the world. I have to say, he was pretty good. It was Texas blues like Stevie Ray Vaughn used to play.

Which reminds me, here’s a joke you can tell to your friends. Take a dollar bill out, preferably not too worn. Grab it by the ends and push the ends together, then pull them out quickly. Now do this again and again to make a “whoop whoop whoop” sound. Now, find a friend and ask them, “Do you know what the final sound Stevie Ray Vaughn heard was?” Then, pull on the dollar to make the “whoop whoop whoop” sound. Seriously, people love it. You’ll be almost as popular as me.

I took the bus up to downtown and wandered around Sixth and Red River before coming upon a band playing on the street. Blacktop Demon from Aberdeen, Wash. They were a two-piece, rocking loud and hard, with a toddler dancing in front of them. The little boy’s sister was in her stroller pumping her arms to the beat. I’m pretty sure this is the childhood we all wished for.

I then went to the Chuggin’ Monkey (horrible bar, the inspiration for my song “Grandma Was a Skank,” which none of you except Branden have ever heard), to get a beer and check out Avian Sunrise, from Sioux City, S.D. Some of their songs were dreamy, with sweet harmonies, others were loud and jammy. Nothing super-special, but enjoyable.

Next, I went to the Palm Door. Nano Whitman of Austin was playing first. He has a wood panel keyboard stand cover with his name in red paint in an “old West” font. Yeah. Anyway, he was interesting. Apparently, he won an Austin songwriting contest sponsored by Billboard a few years back. Some of his songs were like soft 70s hits - not quite “Easy Like Sunday Morning,” but close. Others were rocking. “I Fall Down,” and “28″ were excellent.

Up next was the great Jon Dee Graham. I first came upon Mr. Graham 11 years ago at my first SXSW. He blew me away and I always try to catch him when I’m here. He’s a little older, a little balder, a little grayer and a little fatter. And a little less curmudgeony as well. But he still rocks the house. He opened with “Faithless,” one of my favorites, and played, “The Great Battle,” “October” (another favorite), “Big Sweet Life,” “Laredo,” and “Dreaming of Muhammad Ali.” Great set.

Next, it was off to tenOak to see Two Cow Garage. Another discovery of mine at SXSW, Two Cow Garage is a great rock band from Columbus, Ohio. Sing along choruses, screaming vocals, loud quite loud songs. I also ran into my buddy Rob. We each decided that we were now old and fat. But still attractive, ladies. Anyway, Rob is the one who roped me into coming down here every year and I am forever grateful. Two Cow Garage played “Skinny Legged Girl,” “Long Way Back Home,” “C’mon Back to Bowling Green” among others. Great set, great to see them again.

I went back to Sixth Street to check out Heartless Bastards at Vice. Heartless Bastards opened for the Drive-By Truckers several years ago and I liked them a lot. They are from Ohio, with a female singer-songwriter fronting. Vice was way too crowded (apparently it’s a dance club these days and a bunch of the UT students came out anyway, even though it was given over to live music this week). I stayed for three songs, but it was just too much. I went out to Lambert’s and checked out the end of The Figgs set. They are a post-punk band from New York and they were tearing it up, bouncing all over the stage with the singer on the floor. Nice.

Following The Figgs was Tommy Stinson. The old Replacements bassist has been kicking around for years. He’s now touring with a band featuring his wife, Emily Roberts, singing backup. Stinson was having a great time on stage, smiling and rocking out. He also occasionally had the snot-nosed kid look on his face. Good times. The band played, “It’s a Drag,” “You Destroyed Me” (a duet with his wife), “Zero To Stupid,” “Match Made In Hell,” and closed with, “Friday Night Is Killing Me.”

It was well after midnight and I decided to check out Andrew W.K. for the hell of it. He was playing with his eight-piece band at the Beauty Bar and it was so packed in the backyard that I had to wait 20 minutes to get in. Once I got in, it was mayhem. Apparently, the tent in back of the Beauty Bar is the only place in the world where you can still crowd surf. For the 10th anniversary of “I Get Wet,” the band was playing the album in its entirety. A sweaty, sultry crowd was eating it all up. They were surfing and slamming through the album. The band threw in one new song at the end, “Head Bang.” I really can’t knock the energy, even though the music is a bit frat boy rock.

Running low on cash, I decided to take the bus back to Motel 6. The wait was going to be the same either way so I figured I could save some money. I have to say, the end of humanity is waiting at a crowded bus stop after hours. Some girl was trying to push through the line and ended up punching another girl. Yet another girl puked while waiting to get on the bus. I had to wait through three buses, the line was so long. Yikes.

Tomorrow - Bloodshot Records party!!!

Random sights seen around Austin on Wednesday:

A man with a tote bag that read: “God hates Bags” in the same font that fucked up church uses. Want.

Two girls walking around with a sign that said, “Free shrugs.” Heh.

A 7-year old boy wearing John Belushi’s “College” t-shirt. Nice.

The line at 6:40 p.m. from Stubb’s down Red River to 9th Street, which then crossed the street and extended up another block-plus. What were they waiting for? Fiona Apple. That’s just criminal.

Wednesday was the first full day of the festival. I raced all over Austin to bring you the best of the best. Or at least what I could get into.

I started at Valhalla, which used to be the punk club Room 710. I saw the Fungi Girls from Cleburne, Texas. They’re a three-piece psychedelic garage band, heavy on the reverb on both the vocals and guitar. The bass player is left-handed and played a Paul McCartney-style Hofner bass up high. I enjoyed them.

Next it was to the South part of downtown to Bar 96 to see Brooklyn’s Caged Animals. They’re a mixed-gender five-piece - three guys, two girls - with one of the guys singing and the girls harmonizing. Very indie pop rock. “Teflon Heart” was one of the songs they played. On the last song, the singer dropped his guitar and bounced around on stage, singing from his knees, before going into the audience and playing a dorky game of duck, duck, goose by patting various spectators on the head.

I headed over to Red Eyed Fly to catch Willy Mason, a longtime singer-songwriter from Martha’s Vineyard. He had a four-man band backing him up plus a “robot drummer” one of the band members constructed. Not a drum machine, but a robot drummer. It was a cube in the middle of the stage, maybe 2 x 2 x 2, maybe a little bigger. A snare drum was set in one side, some kind of metal tub on another, and some smaller drums on top. Each drum had little sticks set above it and the live human drummer controlled it from his kit. It was completely ridiculous, almost certainly unnecessary, and absolutely cool. One song that stood out was “Riptide.” It was good music and nice mellow set given what I was planning later.

Next, I went to Bat Bar on Sixth Street to catch Z.Z. Ward. I have been coming here for 11 years now and this is the first time an act was listed with Burbank as a hometown. So, I pretty much had to check her out. She plays kind of funky music with a bass, keyboard and drums backing her up. Really, she didn’t sound like Burbank at all, at least not the Burbank I remember. But I enjoyed it. Set highlights included “Last Love Song,” and “Got the Fever.”

Remember when the Donnas went metal? It was pretty awesome. Now imagine if the band had done that from the start. In L.A., the home of glam metal. Thirty-five years after The Runaways, we have Cherri Bomb, an all-girl metal band that’s getting an awful lot of buzz. They were rocking. I’ve often said that there’s nothing as cute as an all-girl Japanese punk band. And there’s not. You can’t think of anything. But these come close. The drummer, with dyed-bright red hair, was thrashing her head like Animal behind the kit and spitting water playfully at the bass player. The drummer’s back was to an open window onto Sixth Street, so she started playing to the crowd there, spinning her sticks and then tossing a pair out on the street. The singer said the last time they played a bar, “We were still too young to be in a bar.” So their set was cut short. Then, she added, that “we’re still too young to be in a bar.” Jailbait rock, everybody!

They played “Let It Go,” and “Better This Way,” and they have an album out on May 15. You have been warned. You will submit

I left the Bat Bar and walked down Sixth Street with a shit-eating grin on my face. I went to Buffalo Billiards to catch Austin’s own Not In The Face. First, great name. Two ways to take that. No further comment. They play a sort of dance metal - No, wait a minute, that’s what AC/DC does. Anyway, they rock, very loud with a little glam and metal hinted at. They played a song called “Downtown Girl,” “about a couple of sluts like ourselves,” explained the lead singer.

I had hoped to catch Gay Witch Abortion next. They’re a sludgy Sabbath-type of metal band that I read about. Unfortunately, their set at the Iron Bear was over when I got there. Bummer. I then traversed down Seventh Street to get to Red River and The Jr. (formerly Emo’s Jr.) to see Thomas Dolby. I had thought about seeing Lionel Ritchie but passed figuring 1) I would probably get beat up for insisting on recreating the “Hello” video over and over and over again; and 2) I liked Thomas Dolby better. Dolby was playing with two other English gents. The show started 20 minutes late (extreme at SXSW, which normally works like clockwork), apparently because of a cable problem. Dolby was never satisfied with the sound and was smirking his way through the set. And, because the set started late and someone else was supposed to come on next, Dolby was told to cut it off at 1. Which pissed him off more, and he tried to play four more songs instead of the one he was told to. He was cut off after the second one.

The gist is that the prissy little Englishman didn’t get to play, “She Blinded Me With Science.” He did play “Europa and the Pirate Twins,” as well as some songs on his new album, his first in 20 years. One is called “Evil Twin Brother.” Dolby said it is about a midnight ramble in New York involving a Russian waitress played by Regina Spektor that was all in his imagination.

At the end of the night, I waited for a bus back to the Motel 6 but had to take a cab. The cab driver was from Budapest and is a huge metal head so we had a good time talking music and laughing about some of the students who take his cab. “I tell them we have two channels,” he said. “The metal channel and silence.” He said they’ll keep telling them to change the station and eventually, he gets told, “You don’t give good customer service.” He responds, “I take you from point A to point B.” Thomas rocks.

Tomorrow - Slobberbone? Springsteen (unlikely)? Two Cow Garage? Yes!

Guess what, kids? We are back again in Austin. You know what that means - it’s time for Damin’s 11th annual South by Southwest updates. Popular the world over, these updates capture the excitement that is the South by Southwest music festival without any of the annoyances. OK, actually they do capture the annoyances, too.

I landed late Monday night and checked into my Motel 6 a few miles North of downtown. As most of you know, I am poor, so I can’t afford to stay in the hotels downtown (seriously, a lot of them go for over $300 a night and up). So I’ve spent the years staying at cheaper motels North of the city center. Usually it’s no big whoop. I can take the Capital Metro downtown every day, then take a $20 cab back to the motel.

There’s about four Motel 6s in a three-mile stretch of I-35 going North from the University of Texas. I’m in the fourth one this year. It’s right next to a bowling alley, which is awesome. There’s a bus stop not even a block from it, which is more awesome. When I got to the bus stop on Tuesday, there was a crack whore there. On duty. When I came back that evening, there were two more. Their business manager walked past me while I was waiting for the bus later on Tuesday and gave me a look. This is, of course, awesome.

It turns out that on the other side of the Motel 6, there’s a little spot where semi drivers can park their trucks for a few hours. I’m hanging out with truck stop hookers while waiting for the bus. Awe. Some.

I went downtown and job one was to find out what the story is on wristbands this year. Wristbands get you into the shows, although by the weekend you can get shut out by people with badges. They are usually available at Waterloo Records. However, when I got there, I was told they were sold out. The good news is that this means the economy has recovered and President Obama will be re-elected. Well that, and the fact the Republicans are going to nominate an idiot to run against him. This is the first time since 2007 that I will have to scramble to get a wristband. The bad news is that I’ll have to scramble to get a wristband.

Then, it was off to Allen’s Boots to get a new taco. I spent a good 45 minutes perusing the selection, trying various ones on, before settling on my pick as Taco: Mark XI. I’m sure you’re all looking forward to checking it out. When I got to the counter, the young lady saw my purchasing history on the computer. “My, it looks like you come here once a year.” This is the first time I haven’t minded my information being stored. My taco-buying history rocks.

For a couple of years now, the lot across from Allen’s Boots has been filled with gourmet food trucks. They are now all over Austin. Seriously, if you want to see the future of food trucks in San Francisco, come to Austin. They are breeding like rabbits. I’m surprised there are any storefront restaurants left here.

I went back to the motel for a bit, then headed downtown to check out the day before scene. I left my cash in my motel room because I didn’t want to get mugged or anything. I walked Sixth Street and then up Red River. At the end, just past Club de Ville, is Mohawk’s. And by the door was a paper sign. “Wristbands. $175.” I asked the lady at the door if they were selling wristbands and she said, “Yes.”

I quickly went off in search of an ATM. The first one I found would only give me $100, so I had to keep walking. I found a bank ATM, said, “Fuck it,” about the $2 fee and pulled out the money, hurrying back to Mohawk’s. I purchased my wristband, went inside, and thought, “It’s 10:42 p.m. I have a wristband. Now who’s playing?”

Turned out it was Bear In Heaven from Brooklyn. They are a three-piece, with whooshing, programmed synthesizers, live drums and a bass guitar with occasional electric guitar thrown in. They are complete throwbacks to the 80s new romantics. According to their Fuckbook page, they are playing nine shows here this week. A man next to me was dancing and told me he used to hate this kind of music but now loved it. I told him I had spent the 80s dancing to this kind of music. I found them enjoyable. Lord knows, I don’t hate bands who go retro.

I hit the bar at Mohawk’s and was charged $4 for a Lone Star. Four dollars for a Lone Star? Normally, I have to be in San Francisco to be charged $4 for a Lone Star. The days of $1 Lone Stars at Beerland are long gone.

After the set, I headed out to walk around. Austin is definitely gentrifying. There’s a lot of new places opening up and Emo’s abandoned it’s old spot on Sixth Street, which is still empty. That’s surprising because even when clubs close, they often re-open temporarily during the festival. And everywhere you look, there are food trucks. So many food trucks.

Tonight - there’s a band from Burbank on the schedule - ZZ Ward. I’m pretty sure I’ve never seen a band from Burbank on the schedule. Also, Lionel Ritchie is on the schedule. Uh, huh. Will I succumb to Lionel? This is how I see you!

Hey kids, it’s time for the Bitter Brother’s annual NCAA men’s basketball tournament picks. It should be noted that he sent these before the news broke about Fab Melo being out of the tournament. I sent him an email suggesting he redo them but didn’t hear back. So any of you degenerate gamblers should be cautious. Also, he sent the email before last night’s games.
1st Four: Western Kentucky, Brigham Young, Lamar, South Florida.

Round of 64: Kentucky, Connecticut, Virginia Commonwealth, Indiana, Nevada Las Vegas, Baylor, Notre Dame, Duke, Michigan State, Memphis, Long Beach State, Louisville, Murray State, Marquette, Florida, Missouri, Syracuse, Kansas State, Harvard, Wisconsin, Cincinnati, Florida State, Gonzaga, Ohio State, North Carolina, Alabama, Temple, Michigan, North Carolina State, Georgetown, St. Mary’s, Kansas.

Round of 32: Kentucky, Indiana, Baylor, Duke, Michigan State, Louisville, Murray State, Florida, Syracuse, Harvard, Cincinnati, Gonzaga, North Carolina, Michigan, Georgetown, St. Mary’s.

Round of 16: Kentucky, Duke, Michigan State, Florida, Syracuse, Gonzaga, North Carolina, St. Mary’s.

Round of 8: Duke, Michigan State, Syracuse, St. Mary’s.

Round of 4: Duke, Syracuse.

Championship: Syracuse.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

Her boyfriend asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

The boyfriend decides to come over. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, “First of all, no matter what we do, we’re not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger.”

He takes her hand and says, “Second, I want you to relax. Let’s have a nice cup of tea, and then …”

He sighs. … “Let’s put all the Frosted Flakes back in the box.”

Yep, you know what time it is – it’s time to celebrate Damin’s birthday at his annual fabulous karaoke party. See if Masha shows up drunk again this year and berates the KJ because he won’t let her cut in line! The fun happens Sunday, February 19, at the Mint Karaoke Lounge. Kickoff is 8 p.m. with the first drunk thrown out shortly thereafter.

This year, I shall be turning 46 years old. Which means I have now outlived Freddie Mercury.

Who wants to live forever? Obviously not you, you freak! I don’t want to die? But you did! You know who your best friend is? The dirt! You don’t have to wait anymore. The hammer has fallen!

As always, there will be a beer song. Any one or more of you who sing the beer song for my enjoyment will receive a beverage of your choosing paid for by the birthday boy. This year’s beer song is …

Madonna’s “Papa Don’t Preach.” That’s right, Madge is playing the Super Bowl this year and it’s time for you to tell me not to get an abortion.

The Mint is located at 1942 Market Street near the intersection of Church. By pure coincidence, it is directly below the U.S. Mint. You can take BART to MUNI to get there. Word has it that the Bay Bridge will be closed that weekend so you East Bay-types may have to take BART. Call me before the event (415-563-7248) and I’ll get you as much transit information as I can.

The party begins at 8 p.m. and will continue until about 1 a.m. At that point, the stragglers will join me for the traditional stagger back to the lower Haight. More tomfoolery will ensue.

Some of you have friends. Feel free to share this with them. Some of you have enemies who happen to be my friends. I don’t want to hear about it. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday? Tell her a joke on Wednesday!

Did you know that I’m as old as the Super Bowl? Well, more or less. Every year, the number of the Super Bowl is the age I am turning on Feb. 17. So when I get Alzheimer’s Disease, all I need to know to remember how old I am is what Super Bowl we are up to.

First, the important prediction: Madonna’s set list. It will be (in order):

Like A Prayer, Into The Groove, Ray Of Light, Material Girl, Holiday.

Normally, halftime acts play four songs. I’m thinking Madge will play five. It’s something like 20 minutes, no matter what.

As for the game, you may have heard these two teams played each other in the Super Bowl four years ago. Does anybody remember what happened in that game? Didn’t think so.

The interesting thing to me is that although only 23 players combined are still on the rosters, the same analysis applies. The Patriots are favored by 3 points. I’ve been hearing an awful lot that everybody is picking the Giants. For example, John Madden said it on the radio this week. Evidence seems to indicate that that’s not true.

First, I think the Giants are the better team. I’ve been mentioning that New York played a much tougher schedule than any other playoff team the last few weeks. The season that I started putting so much faith in that statistic was four years ago when the Giants had a huge advantage over the Patriots. I picked against the numbers that year. I vowed not to make that mistake again.

The combined record of New England’s opponents, less the games against the Patriots, is 111-123. The record of the Giants’ opponents is 127-107. My theory is that more than 10 games is significant. New England did not beat a team with a winning record in the regular season. These things matter.

Of course, if you bet those numbers, you’re ignoring the Tom Brady factor. Brady has led the Patriots to three Super Bowl victories, each time marching down the field for the winning score in the fourth quarter. Even in Super Bowl XLII, Brady got the ball back late and it wouldn’t have surprised anybody if he led New England down the field for the game-winning touchdown. Brady is like Montana that way - if he gets the ball back late, you expect him to come through.

The key for me is New York’s defensive line. I don’t believe there’s a more important thing a team can do in playoff football than being able to rush the quarterback without having to blitz. The Giants killed San Francisco with their pass rush and they traditionally have killed teams with their pass rush. They hammered Brady repeatedly four years ago. I fully expect New York to successfully harass Brady and hence, New England won’t be able to move up and down the field for most of the game.

Another key is New England’s tight ends. The Giants couldn’t have had a better team to face leading into this game - really. The 49ers rely on their tight ends to move the ball and New York for the most part kept Vernon Davis and Delanie Walker under control - two touchdowns for Davis, but not much late. No, Alex Smith isn’t Tom Brady. But the Patriots, like San Francisco, get almost nothing out of their wideouts. I expect New England’s tight ends to get some catches, but I don’t expect them to run wild.

On the other end, New York will be able to move the ball on the Patriots defense. I don’t think this will be a blowout by any means - New York just doesn’t strike me as a team that will roll over New England. But I think the Giants are the better team and I think they are the healthier team.

And they’re the hotter team. Much like four years ago, New York has gotten hot at the right time and is playing as well as anybody in the league did all season. Big Blue to win outright.

We are blogging live from the Hovel, er, from the Worldwide headquarters of Mr. Bitter Enterprises, Inc. Jim Harbaugh is beating on Alex Smith’s shoulder pads and we are ready to rock.

3:43 p.m. (PST) - The 49ers get the ball first and the first two calls are to Frank Gore - one run, one pass. Kendall Hunter gets the next carry. I’m a tad surprised. San Francisco came out throwing in the first meeting and had some success.

3:44 - 49ers guard Mike Iupati is down with an injury. I’ve said it a million times - San Francisco’s offensive line is its weak spot. And it has absolutely no depth. Chilo Rachal is on the field and the 49ers absolutely will not win if Rachal plays the entire game.

3:48 - Andy Lee with his first punt of the game.

3:50 - “Eli Manning is playing better than he ever has.” - Joe Buck. Manning promptly has a throw slip out of his hands.

3:52 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

3:52:15 - Phil Simms is an idiot. OK, not really going out on a limb here. But late in the Patriots-Ravens game, Simms was going nuts about how Baltimore should be playing for a field goal with about 3 minutes left. Excuse me? On the road, against Tom Brady, giving him a tie game with say 2:30 left? Is there anybody in America who wouldn’t slap down $1,000 that Brady would drive New England to the win? Baltimore did exactly what it needed to do - try to win the game. And at the end, when Lee Evans dropped that ball in the end zone right before Billy Cundiff missed the field goal, the Ravens ended up losing. But they played it correctly.

3:56 - Eli fumbles. Giants recover but will have to punt.

(Back to the Evans drop - was that really Sterling Moore who knocked the ball out? Sterling Moore, who couldn’t make the Raiders? How’d that work out, Oakland?)

4:00 - Smith to Davis deep down the sideline, 73 yards and a touchdown. I thought the Giants were going to double-team Davis.

4:01 - Davis may have stepped out of bounds. Also, Davis climbed up on a camera stand and got an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. I thought Davis had stopped doing dumb things on the field.

4:01:10 - FOX showed a replay before the commercial and it’s really close. Davis’ foot probably should have hit the paint, but it looked like his toes might have stayed in. It’s going to be close.

4:04 - How pissed is Ed Hochuli that he has to wear long sleeves today?

4:04:05 - Hochuli, clearly in the throes of a steroid-driven rage, struggles to over-explain that there needs to be incontrovertible evidence to overturn a call. Obviously, when Hochuli was a teen-ager, he was doing ‘roids and lifting weights rather than smoking pot and going to midnight showings of “The Wall.”

4:07 - “Using the camera stand as a prop” is my new euphemism for pretty much everything. “Yeah, she was cute. I took her home and used the camera stand as a prop.”

4:10 - Hakeem Nicks makes a sweet catch, but it looks like he popped his shoulder out. That’s a bad trade for the Giants.

4:10:45 - Nicks is heading to the locker room.

4:13 - Henry Hynoski? Isn’t that the name of the Jewish lawyer/confident of the mob boss?

4:13:30 - New York goes for it on fourth-and-1 at the 34. Brandon Jacobs comes up short. Again, correct call. A 52-yard field goal is iffy at the Stick anyway. You certainly can’t punt here.

4:16 - San Francisco makes an idiotic call - trying a reverse in the rain. Hunter and Kyle Williams screw up the exchange and the 49ers get real lucky when Osi Umenyiora can’t secure it. As Mike Tyson would say, I’m flabbergasted. All year, San Francisco has done a phenomenal job of not taking unnecessary chances. Clearly, this is a play they installed for the game, however, you have to be aware of the conditions. Just because you installed a “brilliant” play for the game doesn’t mean you use it.

4:21 - End of first quarter. San Francisco 7, New York 0.

4:24 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz! Carlos Rogers beaten in single-coverage. Thirty-six yards and the Giants are inside the 49ers’ 30.

4:26 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz! By they, Niner fans … how many tickets were snapped up by Giants fans?

4:29 - Let’s talk commercials. 1) There is no such thing as the World Beer Cup and if there is, and it gave any award to Miller Light, it has no legitimacy whatsoever; 2) If Keifer Sutherland is really going to return to FOX, he shouldn’t be mimicking his Jack Bauer; 3) I haven’t seen an Aaron Rogers/State Farm commercial so far. Guess they retired that. I wonder why?

4:32 - Manning to Bear Pascoe for 6 yards and a touchdown. We’re tied at 7-7. By the way, shouldn’t a man named “Bear Pascoe” be starring in gay porn?

4:33 - Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

4:34 - OK, the Papa John’s commercial with Jerome Bettis and Peyton Manning is amusing.

4:35 - Wow, Alex. Didn’t know you could overthrow a guy 60 yards downfield.

4:36 - Bonus note - that was Rocky Bernard who just hit Smith. The same man who destroyed Smith back in 2008. Bernard, then playing for Seattle, came up the middle unblocked and buried Smith into the Candlestick turf. The shoulder injury ended up needing two surgeries and was a major factor in Smith not developing.

4:39 - Really? Seventeen wide receivers? That’s one I didn’t know.

4:41 - Vernon, you need to settle down. That was just stupid.

4:43 - Old man Frank!

4:45 - Fourth-and-2. San Francisco pretends to go for it. Takes the delay. Smith looks pissed off walking off the field. At least Harbaugh didn’t waste a timeout.

4:46 - Will Blackmon signals for a fair catch and then takes off - another dumb play. I was at the Saints-49ers game last week and I can tell you it was one of the most well-played games I can remember. Only three penalties were called. Can’t say the same about this one so far.

4:50 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuz! Carlos Rogers having a non-quite-Pro-Bowl performance so far. He slipped on that last one.

4:52 - I’m sorry, but No. 47 in Big Blue will always be Tyrone Wheatley as far as I’m concerned.

4:54 - Did you know the 49ers and Giants had their off weeks the same week? Yeah, I could broadcast NFL games for a major network.

4:57 - What the fuck does Bing have to do with Kevin Pearce’s recovery?

4:58 - And just to prove the point, I just looked up Pearce on Google.

4:59 - At the two-minute warning, San Francisco has run the ball 13 times and thrown it seven times. At least one of those runs was a Smith scramble on a pass call.

5:01 - Huge sequence here. Forty-niners have to punt, Giants will have 96 seconds to try to take a lead.

5:02 - Jake Ballard drops a pass.

5:03 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:04 - What do you get when you cross Eli Manning with Ham? Manningham!

5:04:05 - Stop groaning.

5:04:30 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:05 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz! That’s seven catches for 112 yards in the first half for Victor Cruz. When is Carlos Rogers going to show up?

5:07 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:07:45 - Lawrence Tynes puts the Giants up 10-7 with a 31-yard field goal.

5:09 - And that’s the half.

5:14 - A couple of key statistics here. 1) Cruz finished the half with eight catches for 125 yards. Match that in the second half and he’ll own both the playoff receptions (13) and yardage (240) records. 2) Smith is 2 of 7 passing so far. Obviously, Harbaugh has decided to try to old-school this one. There’s two paths to San Francisco winning - either the defense needs to force a couple of turnovers or Smith is going to need to hit at least one and probably two more long ones. 3) New York is five of nine on third down, San Francisco is 0 of four. All unrepentant gamblers know that likely, those numbers will both move towards the mean in the second half. 4) Michael Crabtree hasn’t caught a pass yet.

5:23 - So far, the lights are working.

5:26 - New York goes three-and-out to open the half. Chris Meyers reports that Harbaugh claims the 49ers will continue to do what they’ve been doing so far. We’ll see.

5:30 - Ha! Called a pass on first down. Smith sacked, but does a good job of holding onto the ball.

5:36 - Nice breakup by Jacquian Williams. Smith rolling left under pressure with a nice throw to Delanie Walker, but Williams stayed with it.

5:36:45 - Lee punts and gets hit by Justin Tuck. However, it was pretty light. Niners decline the penalty and take the punt, which was downed inside the 10.

5:39 - Somebody tell Craig Ferguson that there’s a new Ghost Rider movie coming out.

5:39:45 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:40 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:42 - Manning has to throw the ball away against the blitz. Fourth down, Giants to punt.

5:46 - Smith to Gore for 24 yards, then Smith to Davis in the end zone for 28 yards and the touchdown. Great back-to-back play calls. The Gore pass was a dump-off and turned into a big gainer. I believe you should always follow those up by throwing to the end zone. Davis was single-covered in the left end zone.

5:53 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:57 - The Giants front four is really, really good.

6:01 - Dashon Goldson just killed Tarell Brown.

6:05 - Brown helped off the field. Giants to punt.

6:08 - Walker with the catch. Nice to get him in the boxscore.

6:08:30 - End of the third quarter. San Francisco 14, New York 10.

6:09 - The NFL has discovered the joys of, “Wind Beneath My Wings.”

6:17 - I want a grandson with a dog collar.

6:20 - Giants about to get a huge momentum shift. On a punt, officials ruled Kyle Williams didn’t touch the ball. However, the replay clearly shows he did. We’re going to have a challenge and a 49er turnover here.

6:24 - This is a deserved turnover. Williams shouldn’t have been near the ball in the first place. Basically, San Francisco has just handed New York points.

6:25 - Don’t act so shocked, Kyle.

6:26 - OK, now, Elisha Nelson Manning. What are you going to do about this?

6:27 - You can be my Inside Slant. My blue, green, colors flashing.

6:30 - Manning to Manningham for 17 yards and the score. A million-dollar throw.

6:32 - The 49ers media guide says that the San Francisco quarterback was born, “Alex D. Smith.” Not sure why they’re covering up his middle name - it’s Douglas.

6:33 - Williams with a good kickoff return. Is 40 yards enough to make up for his muff?

6:34 - Heh. I said “muff.”

6:35 - Will somebody please kill the E-Trade baby? Please?

6:36 - I don’t want to alarm anybody, but Alex D. Smith is beginning this drive with a passer rating of 120.8 on the day.

6:37 - Illegal contact followed by a Smith scramble for 17 yards. First-and-10 at the Giants 33.

6:39 - Niners get tricky again, having Smith drop back holding the ball low to try to oversell the play action. Under pressure, he throws it away.

6:40 - Smith completes a pass to Crabtree - his first catch of the day. However, Smith sailed the ball and that cost Crabtree any chance of getting the first down. Harbaugh wanted a timeout before the play. San Francisco takes a field goal and the game is tied at 17-17.

6:42 - 5:39 left as David Akers kicks off. Your turn Elisha Nelson.

6:44 - For your information, both Manning and Smith have led six fourth quarter comebacks this season. The most Joe Montana ever had in a single season is four.

6:45 - Not sure if Steve Weatherford was told to kick that punt out of bounds. Wouldn’t be surprised after New York was burned last year and missed the playoffs when DeSean Jackson took a punt back on the final play of the final regular season game. But it was a poor decision. Much like a squib kick, you should only overly-fear the return in the final seconds of the game unless Devin Hester is out there. Even if San Francisco doesn’t put a drive together here, the field position game ends up killing you.

6:48 - Smith sacked with Mathias Kiwanuka closing off his escape route. San Francisco to punt. Giants ball with 3:04 left.

6:50 - Patrick Willis with a sack on first down. First time we’ve called Willis’ name today.

6:51 - Ahmad Bradshaw stopped on a dump. Bradshaw lost the ball going down, however, he was going backwards when he lost the ball and was ruled down by forward progress being stopped. Niners can’t challenge this. We’re at the two-minute warning and the Giants are facing third-and-15 at their own 21. San Francisco has two timeouts left. After last week, it should be easy if the defense holds here.

6:55 - Huge play. San Francisco decides to rush an extra man, Manning has Cruz in single-coverage (Rogers) with safety help, ball is thrown a little high and to the right. Incomplete pass, 49ers to take over.

6:56 - First and 10, SF 29. Giants rush four, Smith has time but protection breaks down. Smith gets away but has to throw the ball away.

6:57 - Second and 10, SF 29. Smith under pressure rolling right throws on the run too low for Crabtree.

6:58 - Third and 10, SF 29. Four-man rush, Smith tries to hit Walker deep, misses him. Looks like Walker was chucked at the line and that’s why he couldn’t get to where the ball was thrown.

6:59 - First and 10, NY 18. Manning looks for Cruz, Cruz slips. Incomplete.

7:00 - Second and 10, NY 18. Manning creamed as he throws, still gets the ball to Bradshaw deep down the left sideline. Just a tremendous play. Thirty-yard gain.

7:00:30 - First and 10, NY 48. Bradshaw run for 2.

7:01 - Second and 8, 50. Manning dumps to Bradshaw while getting hammered again. Bradshaw takes it for four yards. Timeout, New York.

7:02 - Third and 4, SF 46. Manning to Cruz over the middle, Cruz nearly makes an unbelievable catch tipping it to himself with Willis draped all over him but can’t pull it in.

7:03 - Fourth and 4, SF 46. There’s still 27 seconds left. Weatherford punts, Williams returns. San Francisco will take over on its 36 with 19 seconds left.

7:06 - First and 10, SF 36. Smith dumps ball to Gore, 3-yard gain, Timeout, San Francisco.

7:07 - Second and 7, SF 39. Smith tries to scramble but is sacked. Timeout, San Francisco.

7:08 - Third and 8, SF 38. Smith hits Walker for a deep completion, but it’s not deep enough. We’re going to overtime.

7:10 - Rain is coming down hard. New York wins the toss. Hochuli forgot to note that overtime can end on a safety on the first possession.

7:12 - By the way. I haven’t showered today.

7:13 - Quick stat notes. Each team has 319 yards of offense. For the 49ers, it’s 152 rushing, 167 net passing. For the Giants, it’s 59 and 260. San Francisco still hasn’t converted a third down, however, New York started five of seven and only two of its last 12.

7:15 - Manning goes deep to Cruz. Rogers has the pick but Goldson knocks it away when he comes over to help on the play.

7:16 - Giants forced to punt. We are now officially in sudden-death.

7:18 - Smith throws low to Williams. Wet ball? Tiny hands? Choking? Oh, wait. Ted Robinson told me to never doubt Alex Smith again.

7:18:45 - Can I doubt Frank Gore? Because he didn’t look very good on that carry.

7:19 - That was a good throw to Davis, but short of the first down. Forty-niners have to punt. Giants to take over on their own 36.

7:21 - Bradshaw for 6 on first down. Manning to Travis Beckum for the first. New York at the 47.

7:22 - Manning to Hynoski for 1 yard. Suddenly, my TV goes out. Aargh! Just my converter box turning itself off for some reason. Must be the ghost of live blogs past.

7:24 - Huge call. Ahmad Brooks flinches at the line, causing Kareem McKenzie to back up before the snap. Brooks is ruled to have encroached the neutral zone. Brooks responds by crashing into Manning on the next snap, causing an incompletion. Third and 3.

7:26 - Justin Smith sacks Manning. New York has to punt.

7:27 - Ballgame. Jacquian Williams knocks the ball from Kyle Williams on the punt. Devin Thomas recovers for the Giants. Shades of Roger Craig.

7:31 - Troy Aikman keeps saying the Giants are going to center the ball, but the Giants keep running right, outside the hashmarks.

7:32 - Manning finally kneels at the 8. Tynes lines up for a 26-yard field goal. Instead, New York is called for a delay-of-game. Tynes now lining up for a 31-yard field goal.

7:33 - Freezing the kicker is gay.

7:34 - Tynes puts it through. Final score: New York 20, San Francisco 17.

7:35 - Nice job by Weatherford on a low snap. Why is the punter wearing his wedding ring on the field? Seriously, that’s really stupid. Even a punter can get contact.

7:37 - Really? A countdown to American Idol clock? Before the trophy presentation? Hey FOX, for some reason, I don’t think a whole lot of the football audience is sticking around to watch Idol.

7:47 - Terry Bradshaw is getting hammered by Mrs. Mara about not picking the Giants. Harbaugh declines an interview with FOX - I’m mixed on this. Saying no to TV always amuses me. But it is your responsibility.

Ah, sweet mediocrity. I embrace you, my friend. At least as far as my picking this year. Another 2-2 week (thanks to Baltimore’s awful offense, I got half-pointed in that game) leaves me 4-4 in the playoffs.

Message to Christians - God has spoken. He clearly does not care that Tom Brady had a child out of wedlock. Let’s drop this issue, OK? The Patriots were on top of their game in the first round, hammering el Bronco Blanco, 45-10. As a result, they are over-favored by 7 1/2 points this week at home against the Ravens. That’s not to say there’s any justification for betting on Baltimore - I don’t think you can take the points here unless you think the Ravens can win outright. My issue is this will be amateur week. My serious advice is lay off this game. If you must bet, give the points. But there’s a lot of reasons to be wary.

1) New England’s offense is putting up the numbers, but it is very dependent on the tight ends getting the ball. There’s not a whole lot with the receivers and running backs. In this way, the Patriots are kind of similar to San Francisco’s offense. Baltimore did an excellent job on two points when the Ravens beat the 49ers on Thanksgiving - it took away the tight ends and it got pressure on Alex Smith. I know the Ravens defense is getting older but it is still excellent. This is a team that can put Tom Brady on his ass. As a result, I think there’s a very good chance Baltimore can hold the Patriot offense in check.

2) Baltimore’s offense isn’t much but it is facing a terrible defense. Much, much less intimidating than the defense the Ravens faced last week. Further, while the Patriots clearly know how to shut down God’s Quarterback 2.0, that’s not the same as playing good defense. Here’s points and yards allowed for New England’s final six regular season games starting in Week 12: vs. Philadelphia 20, 466; vs. Indianapolis 24, 437; vs. Washington 27, 463; vs. Denver 23, 393; vs. Miami 24, 381; vs. Buffalo 21, 402. Combined record of those opponents: 35-61. Some more numbers: the Patriots forced 67 punts and 31 turnovers in 181 possessions this year - 54 percent of possessions which is right on the NFL average. In comparison, San Francisco forced 87 punts and 37 turnovers in 193 possessions, which is 64 percent of possessions. Baltimore forced 86 punts and 26 turnovers in 188 possessions (59 percent). Those numbers should make clear what a playoff-caliber defense looks like.

3) I can’t bet against Brady and Belichick at home. But if you haven’t noticed, since losing Super Bowl 42, New England is 1-2 at home in the playoffs. Including a loss to the Ravens two years ago. Something to think about.

My pick is New England because I still believe in Tom Brady. But my real advice is lay off this game. The line is just too big.

San Francisco hosts the New Jersey Football Giants in a rematch of a Week 10 matchup that the 49ers won at Candlestick, 27-20. I was covering that game, after Scotty and I did a whirlwind trip to Reno for the weekend and he drove me back on Sunday morning. We’re all professionals here. I’m always wary of putting too much on how the previous meeting turned out - when I was a kid, UCLA lost to Ohio State 41-20 during the regular season in 1975, then knocked off the top-ranked Buckeyes with Archie Griffin, 23-10 in the Rose Bowl. The Giants were a little short-handed due to injuries that week and one key is that Osi Umenyiora appears to be healthy. That made a huge difference in last week’s win over the Packers.

However, there may be some things we can take out of the first meeting. 1) the game could have gone either way - Justin Smith knocked down a late fourth down pass by Eli Manning to preserve the victory. I’m expecting another tight game. 2) this was the first time Jim Harbaugh turned Alex Smith loose (somewhat). The 49ers came out throwing, then settled back on the running game. I would expect the game plan will be a little pass-heavy again this week. Frank Gore doesn’t appear to be the weapon he was a few years back. San Francisco will probably have to pass to win.

More important is how each team is playing right now. Both are better than they were in November, but the Giants are playing better. I don’t care how many weeks off Green Bay had, beating the Packers in Green Bay in January is more impressive than beating the Saints at Candlestick.

San Francisco is a 2 1/2-point favorite, which sounds about right. I think that if the two teams, as they stand right now, played 10 games, New York would win six. I have a hunch that San Francisco wins this one. But I’m waffling. Take the points and go with the Giants.