Mr. Bitter

We are blogging live from the Hovel, er, from the Worldwide headquarters of Mr. Bitter Enterprises, Inc. Jim Harbaugh is beating on Alex Smith’s shoulder pads and we are ready to rock.

3:43 p.m. (PST) - The 49ers get the ball first and the first two calls are to Frank Gore - one run, one pass. Kendall Hunter gets the next carry. I’m a tad surprised. San Francisco came out throwing in the first meeting and had some success.

3:44 - 49ers guard Mike Iupati is down with an injury. I’ve said it a million times - San Francisco’s offensive line is its weak spot. And it has absolutely no depth. Chilo Rachal is on the field and the 49ers absolutely will not win if Rachal plays the entire game.

3:48 - Andy Lee with his first punt of the game.

3:50 - “Eli Manning is playing better than he ever has.” - Joe Buck. Manning promptly has a throw slip out of his hands.

3:52 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

3:52:15 - Phil Simms is an idiot. OK, not really going out on a limb here. But late in the Patriots-Ravens game, Simms was going nuts about how Baltimore should be playing for a field goal with about 3 minutes left. Excuse me? On the road, against Tom Brady, giving him a tie game with say 2:30 left? Is there anybody in America who wouldn’t slap down $1,000 that Brady would drive New England to the win? Baltimore did exactly what it needed to do - try to win the game. And at the end, when Lee Evans dropped that ball in the end zone right before Billy Cundiff missed the field goal, the Ravens ended up losing. But they played it correctly.

3:56 - Eli fumbles. Giants recover but will have to punt.

(Back to the Evans drop - was that really Sterling Moore who knocked the ball out? Sterling Moore, who couldn’t make the Raiders? How’d that work out, Oakland?)

4:00 - Smith to Davis deep down the sideline, 73 yards and a touchdown. I thought the Giants were going to double-team Davis.

4:01 - Davis may have stepped out of bounds. Also, Davis climbed up on a camera stand and got an unsportsmanlike conduct penalty. I thought Davis had stopped doing dumb things on the field.

4:01:10 - FOX showed a replay before the commercial and it’s really close. Davis’ foot probably should have hit the paint, but it looked like his toes might have stayed in. It’s going to be close.

4:04 - How pissed is Ed Hochuli that he has to wear long sleeves today?

4:04:05 - Hochuli, clearly in the throes of a steroid-driven rage, struggles to over-explain that there needs to be incontrovertible evidence to overturn a call. Obviously, when Hochuli was a teen-ager, he was doing ‘roids and lifting weights rather than smoking pot and going to midnight showings of “The Wall.”

4:07 - “Using the camera stand as a prop” is my new euphemism for pretty much everything. “Yeah, she was cute. I took her home and used the camera stand as a prop.”

4:10 - Hakeem Nicks makes a sweet catch, but it looks like he popped his shoulder out. That’s a bad trade for the Giants.

4:10:45 - Nicks is heading to the locker room.

4:13 - Henry Hynoski? Isn’t that the name of the Jewish lawyer/confident of the mob boss?

4:13:30 - New York goes for it on fourth-and-1 at the 34. Brandon Jacobs comes up short. Again, correct call. A 52-yard field goal is iffy at the Stick anyway. You certainly can’t punt here.

4:16 - San Francisco makes an idiotic call - trying a reverse in the rain. Hunter and Kyle Williams screw up the exchange and the 49ers get real lucky when Osi Umenyiora can’t secure it. As Mike Tyson would say, I’m flabbergasted. All year, San Francisco has done a phenomenal job of not taking unnecessary chances. Clearly, this is a play they installed for the game, however, you have to be aware of the conditions. Just because you installed a “brilliant” play for the game doesn’t mean you use it.

4:21 - End of first quarter. San Francisco 7, New York 0.

4:24 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz! Carlos Rogers beaten in single-coverage. Thirty-six yards and the Giants are inside the 49ers’ 30.

4:26 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz! By they, Niner fans … how many tickets were snapped up by Giants fans?

4:29 - Let’s talk commercials. 1) There is no such thing as the World Beer Cup and if there is, and it gave any award to Miller Light, it has no legitimacy whatsoever; 2) If Keifer Sutherland is really going to return to FOX, he shouldn’t be mimicking his Jack Bauer; 3) I haven’t seen an Aaron Rogers/State Farm commercial so far. Guess they retired that. I wonder why?

4:32 - Manning to Bear Pascoe for 6 yards and a touchdown. We’re tied at 7-7. By the way, shouldn’t a man named “Bear Pascoe” be starring in gay porn?

4:33 - Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

4:34 - OK, the Papa John’s commercial with Jerome Bettis and Peyton Manning is amusing.

4:35 - Wow, Alex. Didn’t know you could overthrow a guy 60 yards downfield.

4:36 - Bonus note - that was Rocky Bernard who just hit Smith. The same man who destroyed Smith back in 2008. Bernard, then playing for Seattle, came up the middle unblocked and buried Smith into the Candlestick turf. The shoulder injury ended up needing two surgeries and was a major factor in Smith not developing.

4:39 - Really? Seventeen wide receivers? That’s one I didn’t know.

4:41 - Vernon, you need to settle down. That was just stupid.

4:43 - Old man Frank!

4:45 - Fourth-and-2. San Francisco pretends to go for it. Takes the delay. Smith looks pissed off walking off the field. At least Harbaugh didn’t waste a timeout.

4:46 - Will Blackmon signals for a fair catch and then takes off - another dumb play. I was at the Saints-49ers game last week and I can tell you it was one of the most well-played games I can remember. Only three penalties were called. Can’t say the same about this one so far.

4:50 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuz! Carlos Rogers having a non-quite-Pro-Bowl performance so far. He slipped on that last one.

4:52 - I’m sorry, but No. 47 in Big Blue will always be Tyrone Wheatley as far as I’m concerned.

4:54 - Did you know the 49ers and Giants had their off weeks the same week? Yeah, I could broadcast NFL games for a major network.

4:57 - What the fuck does Bing have to do with Kevin Pearce’s recovery?

4:58 - And just to prove the point, I just looked up Pearce on Google.

4:59 - At the two-minute warning, San Francisco has run the ball 13 times and thrown it seven times. At least one of those runs was a Smith scramble on a pass call.

5:01 - Huge sequence here. Forty-niners have to punt, Giants will have 96 seconds to try to take a lead.

5:02 - Jake Ballard drops a pass.

5:03 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:04 - What do you get when you cross Eli Manning with Ham? Manningham!

5:04:05 - Stop groaning.

5:04:30 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:05 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz! That’s seven catches for 112 yards in the first half for Victor Cruz. When is Carlos Rogers going to show up?

5:07 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:07:45 - Lawrence Tynes puts the Giants up 10-7 with a 31-yard field goal.

5:09 - And that’s the half.

5:14 - A couple of key statistics here. 1) Cruz finished the half with eight catches for 125 yards. Match that in the second half and he’ll own both the playoff receptions (13) and yardage (240) records. 2) Smith is 2 of 7 passing so far. Obviously, Harbaugh has decided to try to old-school this one. There’s two paths to San Francisco winning - either the defense needs to force a couple of turnovers or Smith is going to need to hit at least one and probably two more long ones. 3) New York is five of nine on third down, San Francisco is 0 of four. All unrepentant gamblers know that likely, those numbers will both move towards the mean in the second half. 4) Michael Crabtree hasn’t caught a pass yet.

5:23 - So far, the lights are working.

5:26 - New York goes three-and-out to open the half. Chris Meyers reports that Harbaugh claims the 49ers will continue to do what they’ve been doing so far. We’ll see.

5:30 - Ha! Called a pass on first down. Smith sacked, but does a good job of holding onto the ball.

5:36 - Nice breakup by Jacquian Williams. Smith rolling left under pressure with a nice throw to Delanie Walker, but Williams stayed with it.

5:36:45 - Lee punts and gets hit by Justin Tuck. However, it was pretty light. Niners decline the penalty and take the punt, which was downed inside the 10.

5:39 - Somebody tell Craig Ferguson that there’s a new Ghost Rider movie coming out.

5:39:45 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:40 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:42 - Manning has to throw the ball away against the blitz. Fourth down, Giants to punt.

5:46 - Smith to Gore for 24 yards, then Smith to Davis in the end zone for 28 yards and the touchdown. Great back-to-back play calls. The Gore pass was a dump-off and turned into a big gainer. I believe you should always follow those up by throwing to the end zone. Davis was single-covered in the left end zone.

5:53 - Cruuuuuuuuuuuuuuz!

5:57 - The Giants front four is really, really good.

6:01 - Dashon Goldson just killed Tarell Brown.

6:05 - Brown helped off the field. Giants to punt.

6:08 - Walker with the catch. Nice to get him in the boxscore.

6:08:30 - End of the third quarter. San Francisco 14, New York 10.

6:09 - The NFL has discovered the joys of, “Wind Beneath My Wings.”

6:17 - I want a grandson with a dog collar.

6:20 - Giants about to get a huge momentum shift. On a punt, officials ruled Kyle Williams didn’t touch the ball. However, the replay clearly shows he did. We’re going to have a challenge and a 49er turnover here.

6:24 - This is a deserved turnover. Williams shouldn’t have been near the ball in the first place. Basically, San Francisco has just handed New York points.

6:25 - Don’t act so shocked, Kyle.

6:26 - OK, now, Elisha Nelson Manning. What are you going to do about this?

6:27 - You can be my Inside Slant. My blue, green, colors flashing.

6:30 - Manning to Manningham for 17 yards and the score. A million-dollar throw.

6:32 - The 49ers media guide says that the San Francisco quarterback was born, “Alex D. Smith.” Not sure why they’re covering up his middle name - it’s Douglas.

6:33 - Williams with a good kickoff return. Is 40 yards enough to make up for his muff?

6:34 - Heh. I said “muff.”

6:35 - Will somebody please kill the E-Trade baby? Please?

6:36 - I don’t want to alarm anybody, but Alex D. Smith is beginning this drive with a passer rating of 120.8 on the day.

6:37 - Illegal contact followed by a Smith scramble for 17 yards. First-and-10 at the Giants 33.

6:39 - Niners get tricky again, having Smith drop back holding the ball low to try to oversell the play action. Under pressure, he throws it away.

6:40 - Smith completes a pass to Crabtree - his first catch of the day. However, Smith sailed the ball and that cost Crabtree any chance of getting the first down. Harbaugh wanted a timeout before the play. San Francisco takes a field goal and the game is tied at 17-17.

6:42 - 5:39 left as David Akers kicks off. Your turn Elisha Nelson.

6:44 - For your information, both Manning and Smith have led six fourth quarter comebacks this season. The most Joe Montana ever had in a single season is four.

6:45 - Not sure if Steve Weatherford was told to kick that punt out of bounds. Wouldn’t be surprised after New York was burned last year and missed the playoffs when DeSean Jackson took a punt back on the final play of the final regular season game. But it was a poor decision. Much like a squib kick, you should only overly-fear the return in the final seconds of the game unless Devin Hester is out there. Even if San Francisco doesn’t put a drive together here, the field position game ends up killing you.

6:48 - Smith sacked with Mathias Kiwanuka closing off his escape route. San Francisco to punt. Giants ball with 3:04 left.

6:50 - Patrick Willis with a sack on first down. First time we’ve called Willis’ name today.

6:51 - Ahmad Bradshaw stopped on a dump. Bradshaw lost the ball going down, however, he was going backwards when he lost the ball and was ruled down by forward progress being stopped. Niners can’t challenge this. We’re at the two-minute warning and the Giants are facing third-and-15 at their own 21. San Francisco has two timeouts left. After last week, it should be easy if the defense holds here.

6:55 - Huge play. San Francisco decides to rush an extra man, Manning has Cruz in single-coverage (Rogers) with safety help, ball is thrown a little high and to the right. Incomplete pass, 49ers to take over.

6:56 - First and 10, SF 29. Giants rush four, Smith has time but protection breaks down. Smith gets away but has to throw the ball away.

6:57 - Second and 10, SF 29. Smith under pressure rolling right throws on the run too low for Crabtree.

6:58 - Third and 10, SF 29. Four-man rush, Smith tries to hit Walker deep, misses him. Looks like Walker was chucked at the line and that’s why he couldn’t get to where the ball was thrown.

6:59 - First and 10, NY 18. Manning looks for Cruz, Cruz slips. Incomplete.

7:00 - Second and 10, NY 18. Manning creamed as he throws, still gets the ball to Bradshaw deep down the left sideline. Just a tremendous play. Thirty-yard gain.

7:00:30 - First and 10, NY 48. Bradshaw run for 2.

7:01 - Second and 8, 50. Manning dumps to Bradshaw while getting hammered again. Bradshaw takes it for four yards. Timeout, New York.

7:02 - Third and 4, SF 46. Manning to Cruz over the middle, Cruz nearly makes an unbelievable catch tipping it to himself with Willis draped all over him but can’t pull it in.

7:03 - Fourth and 4, SF 46. There’s still 27 seconds left. Weatherford punts, Williams returns. San Francisco will take over on its 36 with 19 seconds left.

7:06 - First and 10, SF 36. Smith dumps ball to Gore, 3-yard gain, Timeout, San Francisco.

7:07 - Second and 7, SF 39. Smith tries to scramble but is sacked. Timeout, San Francisco.

7:08 - Third and 8, SF 38. Smith hits Walker for a deep completion, but it’s not deep enough. We’re going to overtime.

7:10 - Rain is coming down hard. New York wins the toss. Hochuli forgot to note that overtime can end on a safety on the first possession.

7:12 - By the way. I haven’t showered today.

7:13 - Quick stat notes. Each team has 319 yards of offense. For the 49ers, it’s 152 rushing, 167 net passing. For the Giants, it’s 59 and 260. San Francisco still hasn’t converted a third down, however, New York started five of seven and only two of its last 12.

7:15 - Manning goes deep to Cruz. Rogers has the pick but Goldson knocks it away when he comes over to help on the play.

7:16 - Giants forced to punt. We are now officially in sudden-death.

7:18 - Smith throws low to Williams. Wet ball? Tiny hands? Choking? Oh, wait. Ted Robinson told me to never doubt Alex Smith again.

7:18:45 - Can I doubt Frank Gore? Because he didn’t look very good on that carry.

7:19 - That was a good throw to Davis, but short of the first down. Forty-niners have to punt. Giants to take over on their own 36.

7:21 - Bradshaw for 6 on first down. Manning to Travis Beckum for the first. New York at the 47.

7:22 - Manning to Hynoski for 1 yard. Suddenly, my TV goes out. Aargh! Just my converter box turning itself off for some reason. Must be the ghost of live blogs past.

7:24 - Huge call. Ahmad Brooks flinches at the line, causing Kareem McKenzie to back up before the snap. Brooks is ruled to have encroached the neutral zone. Brooks responds by crashing into Manning on the next snap, causing an incompletion. Third and 3.

7:26 - Justin Smith sacks Manning. New York has to punt.

7:27 - Ballgame. Jacquian Williams knocks the ball from Kyle Williams on the punt. Devin Thomas recovers for the Giants. Shades of Roger Craig.

7:31 - Troy Aikman keeps saying the Giants are going to center the ball, but the Giants keep running right, outside the hashmarks.

7:32 - Manning finally kneels at the 8. Tynes lines up for a 26-yard field goal. Instead, New York is called for a delay-of-game. Tynes now lining up for a 31-yard field goal.

7:33 - Freezing the kicker is gay.

7:34 - Tynes puts it through. Final score: New York 20, San Francisco 17.

7:35 - Nice job by Weatherford on a low snap. Why is the punter wearing his wedding ring on the field? Seriously, that’s really stupid. Even a punter can get contact.

7:37 - Really? A countdown to American Idol clock? Before the trophy presentation? Hey FOX, for some reason, I don’t think a whole lot of the football audience is sticking around to watch Idol.

7:47 - Terry Bradshaw is getting hammered by Mrs. Mara about not picking the Giants. Harbaugh declines an interview with FOX - I’m mixed on this. Saying no to TV always amuses me. But it is your responsibility.

Ah, sweet mediocrity. I embrace you, my friend. At least as far as my picking this year. Another 2-2 week (thanks to Baltimore’s awful offense, I got half-pointed in that game) leaves me 4-4 in the playoffs.

Message to Christians - God has spoken. He clearly does not care that Tom Brady had a child out of wedlock. Let’s drop this issue, OK? The Patriots were on top of their game in the first round, hammering el Bronco Blanco, 45-10. As a result, they are over-favored by 7 1/2 points this week at home against the Ravens. That’s not to say there’s any justification for betting on Baltimore - I don’t think you can take the points here unless you think the Ravens can win outright. My issue is this will be amateur week. My serious advice is lay off this game. If you must bet, give the points. But there’s a lot of reasons to be wary.

1) New England’s offense is putting up the numbers, but it is very dependent on the tight ends getting the ball. There’s not a whole lot with the receivers and running backs. In this way, the Patriots are kind of similar to San Francisco’s offense. Baltimore did an excellent job on two points when the Ravens beat the 49ers on Thanksgiving - it took away the tight ends and it got pressure on Alex Smith. I know the Ravens defense is getting older but it is still excellent. This is a team that can put Tom Brady on his ass. As a result, I think there’s a very good chance Baltimore can hold the Patriot offense in check.

2) Baltimore’s offense isn’t much but it is facing a terrible defense. Much, much less intimidating than the defense the Ravens faced last week. Further, while the Patriots clearly know how to shut down God’s Quarterback 2.0, that’s not the same as playing good defense. Here’s points and yards allowed for New England’s final six regular season games starting in Week 12: vs. Philadelphia 20, 466; vs. Indianapolis 24, 437; vs. Washington 27, 463; vs. Denver 23, 393; vs. Miami 24, 381; vs. Buffalo 21, 402. Combined record of those opponents: 35-61. Some more numbers: the Patriots forced 67 punts and 31 turnovers in 181 possessions this year - 54 percent of possessions which is right on the NFL average. In comparison, San Francisco forced 87 punts and 37 turnovers in 193 possessions, which is 64 percent of possessions. Baltimore forced 86 punts and 26 turnovers in 188 possessions (59 percent). Those numbers should make clear what a playoff-caliber defense looks like.

3) I can’t bet against Brady and Belichick at home. But if you haven’t noticed, since losing Super Bowl 42, New England is 1-2 at home in the playoffs. Including a loss to the Ravens two years ago. Something to think about.

My pick is New England because I still believe in Tom Brady. But my real advice is lay off this game. The line is just too big.

San Francisco hosts the New Jersey Football Giants in a rematch of a Week 10 matchup that the 49ers won at Candlestick, 27-20. I was covering that game, after Scotty and I did a whirlwind trip to Reno for the weekend and he drove me back on Sunday morning. We’re all professionals here. I’m always wary of putting too much on how the previous meeting turned out - when I was a kid, UCLA lost to Ohio State 41-20 during the regular season in 1975, then knocked off the top-ranked Buckeyes with Archie Griffin, 23-10 in the Rose Bowl. The Giants were a little short-handed due to injuries that week and one key is that Osi Umenyiora appears to be healthy. That made a huge difference in last week’s win over the Packers.

However, there may be some things we can take out of the first meeting. 1) the game could have gone either way - Justin Smith knocked down a late fourth down pass by Eli Manning to preserve the victory. I’m expecting another tight game. 2) this was the first time Jim Harbaugh turned Alex Smith loose (somewhat). The 49ers came out throwing, then settled back on the running game. I would expect the game plan will be a little pass-heavy again this week. Frank Gore doesn’t appear to be the weapon he was a few years back. San Francisco will probably have to pass to win.

More important is how each team is playing right now. Both are better than they were in November, but the Giants are playing better. I don’t care how many weeks off Green Bay had, beating the Packers in Green Bay in January is more impressive than beating the Saints at Candlestick.

San Francisco is a 2 1/2-point favorite, which sounds about right. I think that if the two teams, as they stand right now, played 10 games, New York would win six. I have a hunch that San Francisco wins this one. But I’m waffling. Take the points and go with the Giants.

Well, a 2-2 opening week to the playoffs and you might have heard something about one of the losses. I was on a barstool in the Hockey Haven with Eddie Muller, chanting, “God! God! God! God!” as Demaryius Thomas took the Lord’s pass and ran to the game-winning touchdown. I had just been explaining to an old man sitting next to us about Ben Rapeslisberger and how he treats college women.

So I have that going for me. Which is nice.

I’ll be at the Saints-49ers for the New Orleans Times-Picayune. What will I see? The Saints are a 3 1/2-point favorite, a rarity in the divisional round - home teams tend to dominate. Two reasons - 1) teams that host the second round tend to be better than the teams that played the first weekend; 2) they had a week off. Obviously, New Orleans had the same record as San Francisco (13-3) and lost out on the first round bye on a tie-breaker, so the first one doesn’t apply.

A lot’s been made of the Saints offense against the 49ers defense, but the home field is probably more important. New Orleans is much better in the dome, San Francisco is much better at home. In fact, the Saints are averaging two fewer touchdowns per game away from the Superdome.

I ran the strength of schedule and the 49ers had a marginally more difficult schedule (111-123 to 109-125 in opponents record less games against San Francisco and New Orleans). That’s not enough to mean anything.

My prediction is that San Francisco will come out as it did against the Giants - throwing the ball on the first series - then settle into its running game on offense. The Saints will give the 49ers an opportunity for a turnover or two. If San Francisco can capitalize on that, it’ll win the game. Take the 3 1/2 points. Forty-niners to win.

And on the seventh day, God watched football. First off, thank the Lord that Tebow’s supporters don’t believe in gambling. As a result, New England is a 13 1/2-point favorite. I’ll start off by saying that line is way too high and you should take the points.

But can Denver win? Of course it can. Are you aware that the Broncos played the second-toughest schedule of the remaining eight teams? The combined record (with the games against Denver subtracted) of the Broncos opponents is 122-112. That’s 11 games better than the Patriots. Did you know that four years ago the Giants had a 10-plus game advantage on the Patriots heading into the Super Bowl? New England only played three playoff teams this year, fewest of the eight teams remaining.

And, you might be aware, the Patriots are awful on defense.

Think back to the Broncos-Patriots game in December. Denver actually jumped all over New England. It was because of turnovers that the Broncos lost control of the game. That’s going to be the key - can Denver hold onto the ball. If the Broncos can, they win this.

Well, that and the fact that Tom Brady had a child out of wedlock.

(OK, Tony Bennett just sang, “That’s why Lady Gaga’s a tramp,” on Letterman)

I think Denver wins straight up.

Baltimore hosts Houston on Sunday and is a 7 1/2-point favorite. This is actually the easiest pick of the weekend for me. I like the Texans defense but I think Baltimore’s is better. The Ravens are playing at home. They’ve had the week off. I think Baltimore cruises. Give the points.

Also favored by 7 1/2 are the Green Bay Packers. Supposedly, everybody is picking against Green Bay. Which seems odd, given the Packers are favored by 7 1/2. I would think if everybody is picking against Green Bay, the Packers would be underdogs. Anyway, the record shows that I picked the Giants the first time the teams met and it came down to a last-minute field goal drive for Green Bay to win.

I’m going with the Giants again. They’re healthier than they were in the first meeting, which Osi Umenyiora missed. New York can rush the passer without blitzing (a huge advantage in the playoffs). Eli Manning is playing great. The Giants can win in cold weather - not in theory but because they play in it as well.

And to hit the strength of schedule idea one more time, the Giants played the toughest schedule of the remaining playoff teams (127-107) and have 11 games on the Packers. I’ve said all year that Green Bay will not repeat as Super Bowl champions. I stand by that prediction. New York to win outright.

By Michael Silver

Yahoo Sports

Tim Tebow is in the Zone. The Denver Broncos quarterback owns the VIP room at Denver’s hottest exotic dance club. He’s wearing a pair of Versace sunglasses, designer jeans and a white Equilibrio Roma shirt, open down to the fourth button. He’s surrounded by his crew, five fun-loving apostles who go by The Ascension, SW Leper-1, C Da Light, DJ Apocalypse and Santorum.

Just four hours earlier, the man they call, “el Bronco Blanco,” was leading his team to an improbable 29-23 overtime victory over the Pittsburgh Steelers. Tebow’s 80-yard touchdown pass to Demaryius Thomas to win the game on the first play of overtime was more, “The Lord is with thee,” than, “Hail Mary,” – a resounding annunciation of el Bronco Blanco’s arrival into the world of the NFL’s postseason heroes.

Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way” is pumping through the club’s sound system as Tatiana is called to the stage. Meantime, Tebow turns serious, reflecting on a day in which he threw for 316 yards, as in John 3:16. The Lord may not have given his only begotten Tebow so that the Broncos would have eternal playoff life. But Denver will be traveling to New England for the next round. Some might think of that as some kind of miracle after the Broncos lost their final three regular season games with Tebow looking awful in the last two.

“We were down, but it was like a focus and very intense frustration that we wanted to get back on the field to show that wasn’t us,” Tebow says. “I feel like our attitude and mind-set kind of grew all week.”

Tebow had led the Broncos to a 20-6 halftime lead, but after Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger led the Steelers back for the tie, Tebow needed one more big play. He got it on the first snap of overtime. Pittsburgh safety Ryan Mundy was cheating on the run and Thomas ran right by him into the middle of the field where Tebow delivered a perfect ball. Thomas stiff-armed cornerback Ike Taylor, then out-ran both Taylor and Mundy to the end zone.

“When I saw him scoring, first of all, I just thought, `Thank you, Lord,”’ Tebow says. “Then, I was running pretty fast, chasing him—like I can catch up to D.T! Then I just jumped into the stands, first time I’ve done that. That was fun. Then, got on a knee and thanked the Lord again and tried to celebrate with my teammates and the fans.”

At this point, Santorum motions to one of the dancers to enter the VIP area. She complies and takes a position on all fours. Santorum then opens a vial of cocaine and distributes the powder carefully, making a perfect cross on her back. He hands Tebow a rolled up $1,000 bill and Tebow hunches himself over the dancer and enjoys the fruits of his labors. After finishing, he slaps the dancer on the ass and says, “Thanks, Brandi.” She gets off the floor wearing an ear-to-ear grin and practically skips back to the main stage.

“People often seem to think that when you’re following the Lord and trying to do His will, your path will always be clear, the decisions smooth and easy, and life will be lived happily ever after and all that,” Tebow says. “Sometimes that may be true, but I’ve found that more often, it’s not. The muddled decisions still seem muddled, bad things still happen to believers, and great things can happen to nonbelievers. When it comes to making our decisions, the key that God is concerned with is that we are trusting and seeking Him. God’s desire is for us to align our lives with His Word and His will.”

With that, Tebow and his posse rise and prepare to leave the club. It’s off to the next destination for el Bronco Blanco.

Let me tell y’all a story. Those of you who refuse to take the bus miss out on these kinds of things.

I was riding the 5 from my house to downtown on Thursday when a group of 15-year old girls got on. Three of them sat in the row behind me. The fourth was sitting apart from them. The three demanded she come to the back so they could continue their discussion.

The topic? Her possible pregnancy. For the next 15 minutes, I got to listen to the following topics: Whether she was getting an abortion (she will if her boyfriend, a boy who goes to Galileo High School, breaks up with her; however, the group was unsure whether she could get an abortion without her mom’s permission), whether her mom would kick her out of the house (the possibly knocked up girl said her mom wouldn’t because, “she’s too soft;” she also said her mom has a lot in common with her now, because her mom got pregnant at 15 as well), whether the baby will be retarded (”No, because I’m not retarded!” “Stupid, just because you’re not retarded doesn’t mean your baby won’t be retarded!” “My baby won’t be retarded unless somebody kicks me in the stomach or something!”), has she missed her period yet (No), when she had sex (three times in the last week), whether he “blasted” (”He blasted three times and two halves.”).

(Post intermission - I don’t know, nor do I want to know, what a half-blast is)

Seriously, would you rather listen to the Razor and Mr. T or that? Exactly.

It all came crashing down. Just call me the Raiders of prognostication. I went 10-6 straight up the final week, but just 6-9-1 against the spread, finishing 168-88 and 124-123-9, respectively. Really, you guys should get your money back.

But it’s a new season, and I’m raring to go. We’ve got four games this weekend and every one is intriguing. Let’s get to the picks.

Houston hosts Cincinnati on Saturday with the Texans a 3-point favorite. Houston, as you may know, is one of two teams to make the playoffs this year having lost its last three regular season games. It’s also on its third quarterback of the season and that particular quarterback - rookie T.J. Yates - injured his left (non-throwing) shoulder in the regular season finale, leading to a Jake Delhomme sighting. That would seem to point to a Cincinnati win, right?

Well, maybe. Prior to this season, eight teams in NFL history have made the playoffs having lost their last three regular season games. The last one was the 2009 New Orleans Saints, who won the Super Bowl. OK, you say, that was a special case, a team that started 13-0, was clearly the best in the NFC that year, and that had its playoff seed sewn up, so it rested starters in the final two games. The thing is, of the eight teams that lost their final three games, five won their opening playoff game - the 1943 Washington Redskins, the 1986 New York Jets, the 2000 Minnesota Vikings, the 2001 Oakland Raiders and the Saints. In fact, the 1986 Jets lost their final five regular season games, then hammered Kansas City, 35-15.

The three teams who lost their opening playoff game were the 1969 Los Angeles Rams (yes, there used to be pro football in L.A.), the 1991 Los Angeles Raiders (in fact, there were two teams for a while) and the 1999 Detroit Lions. The Rams opened 11-0, finished 11-3 and lost at Minnesota, 23-20, on a late Joe Kapp touchdown pass. The Lions lost their last four regular season games, then lost to Washington, 27-13.

So why is momentum apparently a non-factor in the NFL playoffs? My theory is that in order to make the playoffs despite losing your last three games, you needed to be one of the top teams in the league for most of the season. Maybe injuries were a factor, maybe some bad luck. But most of the teams had built up a cushion because they were good. Which brings us back to our friends in Houston.

I think the Texans were pretty good this year, having overcome not just the injuries at quarterback, but to their best pass rusher (Mario Williams) and their best player (Andre Johnson). The running game is top-notch (much better, frankly, than San Francisco’s) and the defense has gone from one of the worst in the league to one of the best. I’m hoping for a Yates injury followed by a Delhomme injury followed by Jeff Garcia coming back from the dead to lead Houston to the Super Bowl. OK, maybe not. But the Texans have a good recipe.

Cincinnati has had a good year and rookie quarterback Andy Dalton has played really well. But I think the Bengals have been slipping in the second half. Further, Cincinnati did not do well against good teams. I saw the Texans pound the ball no matter who is at quarterback and pull away late.

New Orleans is 10 1/2 at home against Detroit and given the teams played at the Superdome just five weeks ago (a 31-17 Saints win that wasn’t that close) and given New Orleans is playing at the top of its game right now on offense, I think it’s safe to predict a Saints win. However, New Orleans did lost in the Wild Card round last year to an awful Rah Rah team. Yes, that was at Seattle, but the Saints defense was to blame and there’s no evidence that New Orleans’ defense is any better this year. Further, Gregg Williams (Saints defensive coordinator) is a blitz-happy maniac (seriously, he’s the defensive Mike Martz) and the only reason New Orleans won the Super Bowl two years ago is that he dialed it back against Indianapolis (presumably under penalty of death). I was going to back New Orleans big-time but the more I think about this game, the more I think Calvin Johnson is going to go nuts. I think Detroit wins this straight up. I definitely think the Lions cover.

The New York Giants host Atlanta on Sunday and are 3-point favorites. There’s a certain 2007 feel about these Giants - they have the guns on the defensive line to pressure any quarterback without having to blitz and that’s the key to stopping a good passing game. Further, Eli Manning is playing better than he has his entire career. New York is peaking at the right time and I think the Giants will win going away.

There’s a lot of talk about what Pittsburgh defensive coordinator Dick LeBeau will dial up to contain Tim Tebow. Actually, I don’t think it will be anything exotic. LeBeau has been around long enough to understand how you contain an option quarterback. It’s not complicated. If you ask any defensive coach, they’ll tell you - you have to assign your players to stay on the quarterback and the running back, rather than freelance or go to the ball.

So why did the White Bronco have so much success when he took over the Broncos? Because, the option-read is so different to defend than a normal NFL offense that a defense needs to basically re-do everything it does in preparation. And NFL teams only have three days of practice every week. Basically, if you play Denver, you need to either devote time in previous weeks to defending the option or you are stuck trying to install an entire new defense in three days. This is also why such a radical strategy worked so well for a while - nobody was willing to devote extra time to preparation for Tebow at the expense of that week’s opponent.

I remember when I was 10 and the Broncos went to a 3-4 defense at a time that most NFL defenses were using the 4-3. Denver went 12-2 and made the Super Bowl. However, the Broncos slipped a bit in the next couple of years - they were still good, but not as good as the one season. The reason was two-fold. 1) Other teams adopted the strategy because it worked for Denver; That has as leveling effect. 2) Other teams could justify spending time preparing for it all season because they would see it multiple times. That’s the effect with all major strategy changes in the NFL and it’s why ultimately, it comes down to who has the better players.

If Denver continues to use the option-read with Tebow next year and nobody else adopts it, I think Tebow will continue to have some success. I don’t think most teams will be willing to devote extra time in the weeks leading up to Tebow, figuring they’ll take their chances working on a defense for their other 14 or 15 games.

Anyway, I expect LeBeau to have a “stay at home” defensive plan and that vanilla plan will be exactly what is needed to neutralize Tebow. The White Bronco will head down the freeway at slow speed and eventually its passenger will be arrested.

On the other hand, what kind of God would allow a rapist to defeat the most devout quarterback of the last three years?

Sorry - in the words of Bishop Fred Pickering, “There is no God.” The Steelers won’t blow Denver out in a 45-3 sense, but they will cover the 8 1/2 points on the road.

I know you’re all on the edge of your collective seat waiting to hear this - my entries in the 2012 dead pool.

I went with the Rev. Billy Graham in the top spot, followed by Zsa Zsa Gabor and Ariel Sharon (why are they keeping him alive?). Next comes Olivia de Havilland, Doug Harvey and Stephen Hawking. On the first list, I finished with Jerry Lewis, Mary Tyler Moore and Sandy Duncan. On the second list, I finished with Kirk Douglas, Scott Hamilton and Jerry Buss. On the third list, I finished with Ronnie Biggs, T-Boz and Tony Martin (thanks to the Bitter Mother for that one).

I’m actually 47th out of over 1,200 this year. Not enough to win money but pretty good. I had five stiffs on my primary list.

We are coming to you live from the bowels of Haas Pavilion following yet another fine performance from the UCLA men’s basketball team. I thought this guy’s forte was defense. Anyway, entering the final weekend of NFL action, I am 158-82 straight up and a very mediocre 118-114-8 against the spread. Let’s make some money.

Quick observation - this is like an opening week. Nobody knows what to expect. An awful lot of lines are right around three points.

Philadelphia is 8 1/2 at home over Washington. This is the Eagles’ Super Bowl, so I think they’ll roll. I’m sure it will make them all feel better during the offseason. Atlanta is 10 1/2 at home over Tampa Bay, which quit three months ago. Give. The Falcons can improve their playoff position by a spot if they win and Green Bay lays down for Detroit, and I’m sure they’d rather go to San Francisco in the second round rather than Green Bay. So I’m thinking Atlanta big. Give the points.

Damin, are you really giving 10 1/2 points on Alex Smith on the road? Doesn’t that mean you need help? Yes and yes. The Rams can’t score and the 49ers defense should be able to set up four field goals. Minnesota is 1 1/2 at home over Chicago and the Bears are challenging Tampa Bay in the “2010 playoff team sucking it up this year” contest. I’ll give the points. Detroit is a 4-point pick at Green Bay which means Vegas expects the Packers will not start anybody. No, really, they’re not going to take the field. I suspect the second string will in fact play well so I’ll take those points and pick a Green Bay win.

The Saints are 7 1/2 at home against Carolina and I suspect once the 49ers are up big on the Lambs, New Orleans will pull the starters. The Panthers have been playing well and I expect them to win outright. Take the points. Tennessee is a 2-point pick at Houston, which might seem odd. The Texans have nothing to gain and aren’t playing well anyway. Tennessee could still make it into the playoffs. I’m laying the points.

Baltimore has to win against Cincinnati and I expect the Ravens defense to come through. Give the 2 points. Pittsburgh can get the No. 2 seed with a win over Cleveland and a Ravens loss, so the Steelers will hammer the Browns, easily covering the 6 1/2. Indianapolis will win outright over gutless Jacksonville. Take the 3 1/2. This is purely a hunch, but I think the Jets will win at Miami. Take the 3.

Buffalo will at least cover the 10 1/2 against a disinterested Patriots team. I’m picking New England to win, but I wouldn’t put any money on that. Oakland had better beat San Diego or Al Davis’ corpse will fire Hue Jackson. Lay the 3. God always triumphs over Love. The Fighting Tebows, blessed by Jebus, will beat Kansas City, coached by Romeo. Give the 3. Arizona should win at home over the Rah Rahs - give the 3.

And on Sunday night, which team will underachieve more? I say the Cowboys. I’ll back the Giants and give the 3 points.

I guess I had my best week in my weighted picks league last week, taking second place clean. And yet - I was six points out of winning the week. Simply not an acceptable outcome. Anyway, my season marks are 147-77 straight up (a below what I’d like winning percentage of .656) and 111-105-9 against the spread (not enough to cover the vigorish). Let’s try to finish strong here.

The Thursday game is another stinker - Houston at Indianapolis. The Texans have clinched the AFC South and can still earn a first-round bye. The Colts got their win last week. It’s a good thing the owners are greedy bastards and realize that they have to give the best games to NBC, CBS and FOX rather than their in-house network if they want to keep getting ridiculous TV contracts. Anyway, I’m picking the Texans here - I think last week’s loss to Carolina was an aberration. Give the 6.

Oakland travels to Kansas City and probably would have been favored until the Chiefs upset the Packers last week. So, is Kansas City suddenly better on offense with Kyle Orton? I think the Chiefs are. Orton was a decent quarterback in Chicago and at the start in Denver. For whatever reason, the Chiefs have decided to play for Romeo Crennel. And Kansas City always used to be a tough place to play. I’ll lay the 2 1/2 points on Kansas City.

God’s quarterback 2.0 ascends to Buffalo this week and we assume that last week’s fumble was akin to Lucifer battling for the souls of the damned - just a minor setback. Denver rolls the awful Bills and easily covers the 3. I hate that Tennessee is 7 1/2 over Jacksonville - that extra half-point just kills me - but I understand. The Jaguars have apparently quit. I was hoping to sneak a bet on Jake Locker being the starting quarterback for the Titans and getting a short line but it isn’t going to happen. I reluctantly give the 7 1/2.

On the other hand, Cincinnati by only 4 at home against Arizona seems small. I’ll lay the points. It looks like the fighting Bradys have decided they want to have home-field advantage throughout the playoffs, so New England should win over Miami. However, the line is 9 1/2 and the Dolphins have been playing better. It’s in New England - normally a dangerous proposition for the Fish. My gut is that Miami will keep it close. Pats win, Dolphins cover.

Cleveland can’t score but neither can Baltimore. The Ravens are 13 at home and that’s just too many points for me to give with that offense. Baltimore wins, Browns cover. The battle for New Jersey will go to the “visiting” Giants (seriously, are the Jets 3-point favorites because they’re the “home” team? That’s ridiculous - this is a pick’em game). Washington is a 6 1/2 pick at home against Minnesota and the Vikings look done, so I’ll give the points. Speaking of quitting, Tampa Bay! I can’t give enough points in this game (it’s 7 1/2). Panthers big.

Pittsburgh is 15 over St. Louis and again, we have a team that can’t score as well as plays in a dome going to cold weather to play a good defense. However, can the Steelers score three touchdowns? I mean, yeah, theoretically. I think Pittsburgh muddles through this one and I can’t in good conscience give that many points with the Steelers right now. Pitt to win straight up, but the Lambs will cover.

I think San Diego wins straight up at Detroit. The 2 1/2 points are a bonus. The Bitter Brother is waiting for me to pick against Rah Rah again and I will oblige. Check the stats. Seattle is 4-1 against the spread and 3-2 straight up as a home underdog. How can I possibly go against those numbers? The Seahawks have been doing it by forcing turnovers. The Niners never turn the ball over. I’ll lay that - San Francisco (- 2 1/2) is the pick.

The Dream Team will beat Dallas on the road despite being 2-point dogs. Chicago is done, Green Bay is pissed, yeah, I guess I’ll lay the 13 points. New Orleans wants to prove it is now the top dog in the NFC and will roll Atlanta, covering the 6 1/2.

Hey there, ho there, hi there! It is time, once again, for entertainment purposes only, for me to pick this week’s NFL schedule. I have the sniffles tonight. Perhaps my liver-destroying faux-Theraflu cold formula can inspire some excellent picking. Seriously, have you read the warnings on the side of the box? Wow. I think I’ll take the cold. Anyway, we are 138-70 straight up and 105-95-8 against the spread. That’s fair-to-middlin’, as far as I’m concerned.

Jacksonville is at Atlanta in the Thursday game. I’m going to revisit my winning formula from last week - home team to win, visitor to cover a line that is huge (12 points). On Saturday, Dallas travels to free-falling Tampa Bay. I don’t believe a Saturday game provides quite the home-field advantage that Thursday games do so I’ll go with the Cowboys to rebound from the tough losses the last two weeks. I’ll go ahead and take the 7 points and the Buccaneers, though.

Washington hosts the New Jersey Football Giants and the Giants are 7-point favorites. I’m really torn on this game - both teams have been up and down this year and usually, I would lean toward the home team. Then, I think, Rex Grossman. New York to win, Redskins to cover. Green Bay goes to Kansas City this week. Stop laughing. I don’t like the line (13 1/2) so I’ll take the points but the Packers will win.

New Orleans has a chance to get a first-round bye in the NFC, so I think the Saints will keep it going at Minnesota. But take a look at the box scores - the Vikings actually have been playing pretty well on offense. In a hunch, I’m taking the 6 1/2 points. Chicago hosts Seattle and is a 3 1/2-point favorite. Normally, I’d be betting big on the Bears covering over rah rah. But the Bitter Brother keeps mocking my mocking of rah rah. So I’ll keep it quiet. Give the points.

Miami at Buffalo is a pickem, but the Dolphins are on the way up and the Bills are on the way down, so I’ll risk the Florida team in cold weather rule and go with Miami. Houston wrapped up the division last week. This week, the Texans host Carolina (+6 1/2). Letdown game? Maybe. I’d bet cautiously, but I’d also lay the points. I know the Bitter Parents were excited about Jake Locker’s near-comeback win over the Saints. This week, it looks like he’ll get the start against winless Indianapolis on the road. I still maintain that the Colts will win a game and the Pack will lose a game. I could see Indy pulling it out against a backup quarterback. But the Colts looked really bad last week, so I’m picking Tennessee to win and cover.

Cincinnati is favored by 6 1/2 at St. Louis. Can we just agree that the Rams suck? Good. Bengals to win, Rams to cover. I think Detroit’s offense coming back to earth has been the biggest factor in the Lions slowing down. Still, I think the Lions are better than the Raiders right now. So I’ll lay a point on the road. Philadelphia hosts the Jets. Is the fact that Michael Vick is back something we should consider? Should we consider the Jets struggles on the road? I say yes. Give the 3 points and go with the Eagles.

I hate the idea of giving 6 1/2 points with the Cardinals. However, it is Cleveland. The Browns can’t score so you might as well give the points. Baltimore is 2 1/2 points at San Diego in the Sunday night game that NBC wanted to dump. I like the Ravens, who seem on their way to home field advantage through the AFC playoffs. Of course, the fighting Norvals always seem to play well late in the season. Me say the Ravens win easily.

The Steelers come to town on Monday to face the Niners in the game that I thought was going to be San Francisco’s third loss of the year. Instead, the 49ers lost last week. And James Harrison got suspended. And Ben Rapeslisberger is hurt. As he always is. The rapist will play, no doubt. He’d have to be locked in a bathroom to not make it on the field. But I have a feeling the Niners will show up for this game. San Francisco to cover the 3.

Which brings us to God’s Quarterback 2.0. MVP! MVP! MVP! It’s God’s will - Denver beats New England. I have nothing further to say on this subject.